••
♥
A mother was teaching her three-year-old
daughter The Lord's Prayer.
For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it
after her mother.
One night she said she was ready to solo.
The mother listened with pride, as she carefully
enunciated each word right up to the end.
"And lead us not into temptation," she prayed,
"but deliver us some e-mail, Amen".
••
Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in
a lightbulb?
A: One, two, one, two, three, four!
••
While giving a physical the doctor noticed that
his patient's shins were covered with dark bruises.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "do you play hockey
or soccer?"
"Neither," said the man.
"My wife and I play bridge."
••
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a
dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
••
I haven't run out of receipt yet.
Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
••
At 14 I asked my dad about a tattoo.
He said ok as long as I got it someplace that
doesn't matter.
So I got it in Detroit.
••
Couple waiting at the bus stop.
bus comes...
guy gets on....
couple right behind him.
guy holds up five fingers.
bus driver holds up ten fingers
guy holds both hands on his chest
bus driver grabs crotch
guy puts hand on ass and wipes upward,
and gets off the bus.
Couple asked what was that all about!!!!
Bus driver said he was deaf, and asked me if the
fare was five cents. (holding up five fingers)
I told him no it was ten cents.
(holding up ten fingers)
Guy asked me if I was going by the milk factory,
(holding both hands on his chest)
Bus driver said no I am going by the ball park.
(bus driver grabing his crotch)
Guy puts hand on ass and wipes upward.
Guy was saying "shit I am on the wrong bus!"
••
The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is only
ever a whim away.
••
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my
neighbor cutting the grass.
He can cut around me, I'm not movin'.
••
Got to admire these NFL players who are so
committed to their jobs of beating the shit out of
people that they do it even in their off time.
••
If your Dog gets a lousy education
he'll be poor and will always be begging for food..
••
What’s the difference between an enzyme and
a hormone?
You can’t hear an enzyme.
••
I'm not sending Christmas cards this year,
what with the economy and all.
Mostly I'm just lazy, but blaming the economy is
so much more fun.
••••
