••
♥
Osama Bin Laden was living with 3 wives in one
compound and never left the house for 5 years.
It is now believed he called the Navy Seals himself.
••
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: when the baby's face
turns red and she begins to make those familiar
grunting noises.
••
I went for a run but came back home after 5
minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I'm fat and can't run for more than
5 minutes.
••
Q: How do you know if an Asian tried to rob your
house?
A: You get home and your maths homework is
done, your computer is upgraded, and two hours
later He is still trying to back out of your driveway.
••
Today, I had an interview for a job as a ninja.
I didn't show up...got the job.
••
Probably should not have driven home from the
bar last night.. especially considering
I walked there.
••
Whenever a stranger asks our baby's name,
I always say he hasn't told us yet.
••
My nephews got a camera phone; hes 10 years old.
Which sucks for him because I cant imagine what
it must be like for him to go through a 5th grade
math class with a device in his pocket that can
answer all of lifes questions and show him
pictures of titties in high definition.
You want this kid to pay attention in class?
He doesnt have attention deficit, hes got titties in
his pocket.
••
Female Viagra has been around for years.
It's called money.
••
Obesity runs in the Jim's family.
Well, actually it just sort of sits there on the
couch eating another pint of Ben and Jerry's.
••
Mr. Jacobson played hooky from the pressures
of his job and went skiing.
But no sooner did he reach the slopes than he
heard an ominous rumbling: avalanche!
He jumped into a cave just before it was engulfed
by snow.
He used his lighter to start a fire and soon was
cozy and warm in his snow cave.
Hours later, a rescue team saw smoke curling
from the cave and investigated.
One rescuer yelled, "Anyone in there?
It's the Red Cross."
Jacobson yelled back,
"Shove off......
I gave at the office!"
••
My dog is like one of the family...
and I'm not saying which one.
