•ºº•

••

♥

I have finally realized that the "only way" to 

lose weight from green tea is, if you go to the 

mountain and pick it yourself....

••

You guys ever steal an old person? 

Oh, I guess everyone here has their 

grandparents; some of us don't we got to 

replace ours. 

Heres a tip: old people in wheelchairs rarely 

turn around to see who's pushing them. 

••

I have now done so much with so little for so 

long that I am now qualified to do anything 

with nothing! 

••

Of course I've been flossing. 

I've also been pulling over to make phone 

calls and reporting my Ebay income. 

••

Hey moms! Here's a back-to-school shopping 

tip...... 

You can get shoes for a dollar at bowling 

alleys! 

••

My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd 

give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he 

know about my tastes in women's underwear? 

••

I'd cross the hottest desert,

I'd swim the deepest sea,

I'd climb the highest mountain,

But I can't come over tonight because it's raining.

••

 If I were a mob boss, I'd ask my henchmen to 

meet me down by the docks, then surprise them 

with a day of water skiing. 

••

Cop failed me on the sobriety test even though

I not only touched my nose like he asked, 

but went on & totally nailed the rest of the 

Macarena. 

••

The Cop: "How do you explain all the 

cannabis growing in your loft?" 

The Suspect: "Someone must have planted it 

there." 

••

As I got her back to my flat and started to 

undress, I smiled at her and said: "I should 

warn you, my friends have nicknamed me 

'Shotgun'."

"So I can expect plenty of pump action?" 

she giggled.

"Nope." I replied, dropping my pants. 

"I'm sawn off."

••

My wife served us a fancy meal with sausage 

all the way from Vienna. 

••••

••

••

♥

Middle age is when you've met so many 

people that every new person you meet 

reminds you of someone else."

       -- Ogden Nash

••

How do you know when a blonde has a brain 

fart? 

Her ears flap.

••

One day, after a man had his annual physical, 

the doctor came out and said, "You had a 

great checkup. 

Is there anything that you'd like to talk about 

or ask me?" 

"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting 

a vasectomy." 

"That's a pretty big decision. 

Have you talked it over with your family?" 

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2." 

••

When someone yawns, do deaf people think 

they're screaming? 

••

calories (noun)

Tiny creatures that live in your closet and 

sew your clothes a little bit tighter every night..

••

Back before Walmart... 

you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a 

bearded woman. 

••

If you want a successful relationship, 

find someone who likes the same thermostat 

setting you do.

••

My boss is so short, his hair smells like feet. 

••

"Drive-in banks were established so most of 

the cars today could see their real owners."

       -- E. Joseph Cossman

••

Only in America would they name a state after a 

bucket of fried chicken. 

••

I just saved a ton of money on my car insurance 

by hacking into State Farm's main server and 

deleting the 4 DUIs.

••

The government have advised people 

to watch out that they're not being sold fake 

2016 Olympic tickets. 

I think I'll be alright though. 

My tickets for the men's wheelchair triple 

jump seem genuine enough. 

••

You haven't truly won an argument until 

the other person says "whatever."

••••

◘◘

•○•

♥

An Obama Fundraiser in Colorado is a 

$25,000 a toke dinner...... 

••

Saw my first snake of the summer. 

He was canvassing the neighborhood and 

passing out election brochures.  

••

"There is no pleasure in having nothing to do; 

the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it."

       -- Mary Wilson Little

••

A woman came home to find her husband in 

the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a 

dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire 

running from his waist towards the electric 

socket.

Intending to jolt him away from the deadly 

current, she ran outside and grabbed a handy

plank of wood and smacked him with it, 

breaking his arm in two places.

Up to that moment, he had been happily 

listening to his iPod.

••

Every woman thinks her husband is a moron.

And they’re absolutely right. 

Smart men don’t get married. 

••

Whoever said money can't buy happiness.... 

have you ever seen a sad person in a Ferrari?  

••

If zombies ever attack just go to Costco,  

they have walls, years of food and supplies, and 

zombies can't get in without a Costco membership.

••

If I had a dollar for everyone I work with 

who's dumber than me, I'd have $11 cause I 

work for a small company. 

•• 

My neighbor was rushed to hospital yesterday 

after a wasp landed on his face. 

It didn't sting him, luckily. 

I got it first with my shovel. 

••

You can fool some of the people all of the 

time. 

Mostly, those people are in Management. 

••

Diamond engagement rings are so last year. 

Ask for her hand in marriage by presenting 

her with a full tank of gas. 

••

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an 

idiot. 

Now I'm self-employed. 

My boss is still an idiot.

••

I make a living writing. 

Oh, so what do you write? Fantasy? Romantic 

novels?

Letters to my parents asking them for money.

••

"I am prepared to meet my Maker. 

Whether my Maker is prepared for the great 

ordeal of meeting me is another matter."

       -- Sir Winston Churchill

••○••

•ºº•

••

♥

We should bury everyone upside down so if 

they come back as Zombies they will dig the 

wrong way..

It's called thinking ahead...people

••

Never tell a psycho that they're psycho, 

because then they feel like they're obligated 

to prove it. 

••

Whoever said money can't buy happiness 

didn't like things as much as I do. 

••

My life’s really not so awful– 

it just seems that way when I’m awake. 

••

It's not that I accept the Terms and Conditions. 

It's just that I would rather not spend the rest of 

my life reading them. 

••

Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its 

line to honor Bill Clinton. 

The Dodge Drafter will begin production in 

Canada this year.

••

I hate it when your wife asks you to hold her 

purse, and it doesn't match what you're wearing.  

••

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused 

Novocaine during a root canal? 

His goal: transcend dental medication.

••

Never raise your hands to your kids; 

it leaves your groin unprotected.

••

Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. 

There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy. 

••

Texan prisons have banned convicts on death 

row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds

that it is bad for their health. 

However, to compensate for this, condemned 

men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of 

celery.

••

Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that 

the accountant works as quickly as possible. 

••••

••

••

♥

"As long as people will accept crap, it will be 

financially profitable to dispense it."

       -- Dick Cavett

••

Q: Did you hear about the Bill Clinton sale 

at clothing stores on President's day?

 A: All pants half off.

••

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that 

displayed a large sign that read 

"Say It With Flowers." 

"Wrap up one rose," he told the florist. 

"Only one?" the florist asked. 

"Just one," the customer replied. 

"I'm a man of few words."

••

How come aliens only abduct delusional people 

and not extraordinarily sane intelligent people like 

myself? 

••

Amanda said;  

It's hard to tweet and change the baby's 

diaper at the same time. 

I probably should have waited until I got 

to a red light.

•• 

Feeling sad because my hamster died. 

Well, he's not 'technically' dead yet, 

but I ran out of 

food so it's really just a matter of days. 

••

The Scarecrow didn't have the brains,  

Tin Man didn't have the heart, and the Lion

didn't have the courage. 

So Dorothy remained a virgin. 

••

I cut my finger on a beer can, I now know how Julius 

Caesar felt when he was betrayed by his best friend. 

••

I stash my weed in the middle of a bunch of Russian 

nesting dolls so when the cops are searching for it 

they give up like after 5 dolls. 

••

When I have more than $20 in my account at the end 

of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to 

pay. 

••

I always wear running shoes while driving because 

you won't know what the terrain will be like until 

after the cop pulls you over.

••

Chess says everything about men & women. 

The King has to take things one step at a time, 

while the Queen can do whatever the hell she 

wants. 

••••