••
♥
I have finally realized that the "only way" to
lose weight from green tea is, if you go to the
mountain and pick it yourself....
••
You guys ever steal an old person?
Oh, I guess everyone here has their
grandparents; some of us don't we got to
replace ours.
Heres a tip: old people in wheelchairs rarely
turn around to see who's pushing them.
••
I have now done so much with so little for so
long that I am now qualified to do anything
with nothing!
••
Of course I've been flossing.
I've also been pulling over to make phone
calls and reporting my Ebay income.
••
Hey moms! Here's a back-to-school shopping
tip......
You can get shoes for a dollar at bowling
alleys!
••
My boss told me if I kept showing up late he'd
give me a pink slip and I was like, how does he
know about my tastes in women's underwear?
••
I'd cross the hottest desert,
I'd swim the deepest sea,
I'd climb the highest mountain,
But I can't come over tonight because it's raining.
••
If I were a mob boss, I'd ask my henchmen to
meet me down by the docks, then surprise them
with a day of water skiing.
••
Cop failed me on the sobriety test even though
I not only touched my nose like he asked,
but went on & totally nailed the rest of the
Macarena.
••
The Cop: "How do you explain all the
cannabis growing in your loft?"
The Suspect: "Someone must have planted it
there."
••
As I got her back to my flat and started to
undress, I smiled at her and said: "I should
warn you, my friends have nicknamed me
'Shotgun'."
"So I can expect plenty of pump action?"
she giggled.
"Nope." I replied, dropping my pants.
"I'm sawn off."
••
My wife served us a fancy meal with sausage
all the way from Vienna.
••••
