••
♥
We should bury everyone upside down so if
they come back as Zombies they will dig the
wrong way..
It's called thinking ahead...people
••
Never tell a psycho that they're psycho,
because then they feel like they're obligated
to prove it.
••
Whoever said money can't buy happiness
didn't like things as much as I do.
••
My life’s really not so awful–
it just seems that way when I’m awake.
••
It's not that I accept the Terms and Conditions.
It's just that I would rather not spend the rest of
my life reading them.
••
Chrysler Corporation is adding a new car to its
line to honor Bill Clinton.
The Dodge Drafter will begin production in
Canada this year.
••
I hate it when your wife asks you to hold her
purse, and it doesn't match what you're wearing.
••
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocaine during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
••
Never raise your hands to your kids;
it leaves your groin unprotected.
••
Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There’s too much fraternizing with the enemy.
••
Texan prisons have banned convicts on death
row from having a last cigarette, on the grounds
that it is bad for their health.
However, to compensate for this, condemned
men will instead be permitted to chew a stick of
celery.
••
Brought my 5 year old to the tax office to ensure that
the accountant works as quickly as possible.
••••
