••

••

♥

Back in my day a "selfie," was something you did 

with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

••

My wife just told me to go to hell,  

anyone else need anything from Walmart?

••

Note to self: 

Asking the cop if you could use his in-car 

computer to update your Facebook status in no 

way helps you gets out of a DUI. 

••

I always pick up a huge cucumber up at Walmart 

and yell to my wife, "you said you wanted the 

biggest one right?". 

Because I'm a great husband.  

••

Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a 

consultant."

Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough 

consultants."

Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can 

be an adviser."

Employer: "More than we can use already."

Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not 

proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk, 

If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."

Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any 

openings for a person with your qualifications."

Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, 

"work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly 

crawling, double dealing jerk!"

Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an 

attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."

••

I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat.....

Nine times....... just in case. 

••

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like  

she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and 

then put it back on the shelf. 

••

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and 

escape keys at the same time. 

That brings up a task list in the middle of the 

screen. 

Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program 

Manager."

Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."

Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "What do you mean?"

Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."

Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

  

••

My wife told me she was expecting a baby.

"You'd better go and open the door." I said. 

"They'll never reach the doorbell".     

••

Two men are approaching each other on a 

sidewalk. 

Both are dragging their right foot as they walk. 

As they meet, one man looks at the other 

knowingly, points to his foot and says, 

Vietnam, 1969." 

The other points his thumb behind him and 

says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

••

I was going to hire a midget to be my chef, but 

the steaks were too high.

••••

••

••

♥ 

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...

Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".

Lady: I can't see your computer...

Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your 

computer.

Lady: How the hell can I click on ur computer 

from my computer???!!

Help desk: there is an icon labelled 

"My Computer" on your computer... 

double click on it...

Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on 

my computer ??!!!

••

My teeth are so crooked they should   

run for office. 

••

Be afraid! In fact very afraid, or be yourself. 

Technology can hurt you.

A wife was calling out for her husband from the 

kitchen to help her with the dishes, but did not 

get a response.

She went looking for him in the bed room and 

found hubby asleep on his files, tired of work.

She walked closer to him, looked at the innocent 

face, played with his hair softly, sweetly and.... 

then suddenly.... slapped his face!!!

The husband got up with a shock and asked, 

"what happened??!?!"

That's when the wife showed him his phone 

which showed: Last seen on whatsapp 1 minute 

ago.

••

One of the best ways to prepare for marriage is 

to wait 15 minutes in your car before going 

anywhere.....

••

A husband went to the police station to file a 

"missing person" report for his missing wife:

Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & 

hasn't come back yet.

Inspector :-What is her height?

Husband :-I never checked.

Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.

Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.

Inspector :-Color of eyes?

Husband :-Never noticed.

Inspector :-Color of hair?

Husband :-Changes according to season.

Inspector :-What was she wearing?

Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a 

suit.

Inspector :-Was she driving?

Husband :-yes.

Inspector :-Color of the car? . . . . .

Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 

litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power 

teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic 

transmission with manual mode. 

And it has full LED headlights, which use light 

emitting diodes for all light functions and has a 

very thin scratch on the front left door ............. 

and then the husband started crying …

Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....

We will find your car.....

••

The soldier asked for a furlough, so that he might 

get married.

"How long have you known the Girl?" 

His superior asked.

"A Week."

"Why, my lad, that is hardly long enough. 

I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and 

then, if you still want to get married, I shall grant 

you a furlough."

In two months the soldier was back, reminding 

his superior of his promise.

"So you still want to get married? 

My, My ! I did not suppose that a young man 

would stay interested in the same girl for such a 

long time nowadays."

"I know, sir...... But it is not the same girl, sir."

••

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court 

to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 

3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”. 

••

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military 

training...

I set off a roach bomb... they diffused it!

••

Everything is drive-through. 

In California they even have a burial service 

called Jump-In-The-Box.

••••

♠♠

♠♠

♥

I don't normally take a dump with the door open, 

but I don't want to miss the in-flight movie. 

••

After a long, bumpy flight, our passengers were 

glad to finally land. 

They disembarked, and the other attendants and 

I checked for items left behind. 

In a seat pocket, I found a bag of home-made 

cookies with a note saying "Much love, Mom." 

Quickly, I gave the bag to our gate agent in hopes 

it would be reunited with its owner. 

In few minutes, this announcement came over 

the public-address system in the concourse:  

"Would the passenger who lost his cookies on 

Flight 502, please return to the gate?"

••

At a posh Las Vegas casino, a blackjack dealer and 

a player with a 13 count in his hand are arguing 

about whether or not it is appropriate to 

tip the dealer. 

The player says, "When I get bad cards, it's not 

the dealer's fault. 

Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer 

obviously has nothing to do with that either, so 

why should I tip him?" 

The dealer replies, "When you eat at a restaurant 

do you tip the waiter?" 

"Yes," the gambler concedes. 

"Well then, he serves you food; whether it's good 

or bad isn't up to him. 

By the same token, I'm serving you cards, so you 

should tip me." 

"OK," says the gambler, "but the waiter gives me 

what I ask for.

I'll take an 8."

••

Tombstone epitaph......

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie 

Cemetery, Nova Scotia:

Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die 

Young.

••

How do you get a blonde's eyes to sparkle?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

••

My brother didn't take kindly to jail. 

He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on 

the walls. 

That's the last time we're playing Monopoly. 

••

Seen on the back of a food service delivery van:

Driver does not carry more than $50

worth of lasagna....

••

A sharp tongue does not mean you have a keen 

mind....

••

I went to a record store, they said they 

specialized in hard-to-find records — nothing was 

alphabetized. 

••

"President Barack Obama told his Cabinet 

yesterday to insure that every taxpayer dollar is 

spent wisely. 

But there was one embarrassing moment when he 

had to explain to the Cabinet what a taxpayer was."

••••

♣♣

••

♥

The NSA chief walks into a bar.  

Bartender: "Got a new joke for you." 

NSA: "Heard it."

••

I don't know the full history of US and Canada  

but somehow we've got joint custody of geese. 

••

 Your momma has ever stomped into the house 

and announced, "The feud is back on!"

 There is a gun rack on your bicycle. 

 Your wedding was held in the delivery room. 

 Your soap on a rope doubles as an air freshener. 

 Your wife's hairdo attracts bees.

 Your baby's first words are; 

"Attention K-Mart shoppers." 

 The antenna on your truck is a danger to low 

flying airplanes. 

 Your primary source of income is the pawn shop. 

 You picked your teeth from a catalog.

 You've ever financed a tattoo.

You gots Redneck in YOU....

••

My laptop has a Miley Virus. 

It's stopped twerking. 

••

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were 

walking on the pavement when they were 

approached by a beggar asking for money.

Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes

out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands 

them to the beggar. 

The beggar thanks him and moves on.

Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity 

"Why the hell did you do that?" yells Kurt. 

"You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or 

drugs!"

Desmond replies, "What...and we weren't?"

••

“Marriage is hard but divorce usually goes off 

without a hitch.”

••

Q: Why do 99% of the girls have a bigger left 

breast?

A: Coz ...99% of the guys are right handed! 

••

Church Bulletin Bloopers; 

•If you choose to heave during the Postlude, 

please do so quietly.

•We are grateful for the help of those who 

cleaned up the grounds around the church 

building and the rector.

•Newsletters are not being sent to absentees 

because of their weight.

•Helpers are needed! Please sign up on the 

information sheep.

•Diana and Don request your presents at their 

wedding.

•Lent is that period for preparing for Holy Weed 

and Easter.

••

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait 

until we've solved it.

••

Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner 

deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to 

see: Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, 

Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to 

become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge 

to become Zip Audi Do Da.

••

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon, 

someone would walk in and sit down in the 

stall next to me. 

••••

••

••

♥

In lieu of the recent stabbing spree, 

the NRA is now claiming it would be way safer 

to just cut our steaks with guns.

••

Gus was at the doctors office...

and was standing on the scale. 

"You could stand to lose some weight."

The doctor said. 

"What's the quickest way, doc?" Gus asked. 

"Well", he said "you could start by putting that 

bucket of KFC chicken down." 

••

What if the light we see at the end of

 the tunnel when we die is really us

 just being pushed out of a vagina into

 our next life?

••

A old friend if mine is going through with a 

gender reassignment… Hope he can pull it off.

••

When people go underwater in scary movies, 

I like to hold my breath and see if I would have 

survived that situation. 

I almost died in Finding Nemo. 

••

I do system support in a law firm. 

The other day I had to log a user off and then 

back on. 

I entered her initials and then she just gave me 

her password (Rule No. 1 broken). 

Her password is genius. 

After three tries and the system telling me "access 

denied," I asked her how to spell it. 

She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S." 

There's one in every crowd. 

••

Ice skating is now on my list of things in life I 

never care if I do again. 

It's like an anti-bucket list -- it rhymes with bucket,

I can tell you that much. 

••

The angry boy tells the girl after a night of 

passionate love-making, 

"My name is Rob, and not Billy, or Andrew or 

Jack or Ron or Jeremy or any of the other names 

you've been screaming all night!"

The girl replies, "Hey, I wasn't screaming out 

anybody else's name during our bout. 

I was just thinking of baby names, if I were to get 

pregnant.

••

12 doctors in a meeting.......... 

Alright. which one of  you idiots leaked the one 

weird tip to lose weight that doctors wont tell you? 

 IDIOTS! 

••

Two salesmen were going door to door, and 

knocked on the door of a woman who was not 

happy to see them. 

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did 

not want to hear their offer and slammed the 

door in their faces. 

To her surprise, however, the door did not close 

and, in fact, bounced back open. 

She tried again, really put her back into it, and 

slammed the door again with the same result-the 

door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking 

their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a 

slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of 

them said:

“Ma’am, before you do that again you need to 

move your cat.”

••••