••
♥
In lieu of the recent stabbing spree,
the NRA is now claiming it would be way safer
to just cut our steaks with guns.
••
Gus was at the doctors office...
and was standing on the scale.
"You could stand to lose some weight."
The doctor said.
"What's the quickest way, doc?" Gus asked.
"Well", he said "you could start by putting that
bucket of KFC chicken down."
••
What if the light we see at the end of
the tunnel when we die is really us
just being pushed out of a vagina into
our next life?
••
A old friend if mine is going through with a
gender reassignment… Hope he can pull it off.
••
When people go underwater in scary movies,
I like to hold my breath and see if I would have
survived that situation.
I almost died in Finding Nemo.
••
I do system support in a law firm.
The other day I had to log a user off and then
back on.
I entered her initials and then she just gave me
her password (Rule No. 1 broken).
Her password is genius.
After three tries and the system telling me "access
denied," I asked her how to spell it.
She said, "G - E - N - I - O - U - S."
There's one in every crowd.
••
Ice skating is now on my list of things in life I
never care if I do again.
It's like an anti-bucket list -- it rhymes with bucket,
I can tell you that much.
••
The angry boy tells the girl after a night of
passionate love-making,
"My name is Rob, and not Billy, or Andrew or
Jack or Ron or Jeremy or any of the other names
you've been screaming all night!"
The girl replies, "Hey, I wasn't screaming out
anybody else's name during our bout.
I was just thinking of baby names, if I were to get
pregnant.
••
12 doctors in a meeting..........
Alright. which one of you idiots leaked the one
weird tip to lose weight that doctors wont tell you?
IDIOTS!
••
Two salesmen were going door to door, and
knocked on the door of a woman who was not
happy to see them.
She told them in no uncertain terms that she did
not want to hear their offer and slammed the
door in their faces.
To her surprise, however, the door did not close
and, in fact, bounced back open.
She tried again, really put her back into it, and
slammed the door again with the same result-the
door bounced back open.
Convinced these rude young people were sticking
their foot in the door,she reared back to give it a
slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of
them said:
“Ma’am, before you do that again you need to
move your cat.”
••••
