••
♥
Back in my day a "selfie," was something you did
with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
••
My wife just told me to go to hell,
anyone else need anything from Walmart?
••
Note to self:
Asking the cop if you could use his in-car
computer to update your Facebook status in no
way helps you gets out of a DUI.
••
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at Walmart
and yell to my wife, "you said you wanted the
biggest one right?".
Because I'm a great husband.
••
Job Applicant: "I'm looking for a job as a
consultant."
Employer: "I'm sorry, we already have enough
consultants."
Applicant: "That's ok, with my experience, I can
be an adviser."
Employer: "More than we can use already."
Applicant: As he is getting desperate, "I'm not
proud, I can do paperwork, I'll be a clerk,
If you have too many, I'll start as a janitor."
Employer: "It just doesn't seem that we have any
openings for a person with your qualifications."
Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells,
"work for you I'd have to be a low life, belly
crawling, double dealing jerk!"
Employer: "Well, you didn't say you were an
attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening."
••
I accidentally ran over my neighbor's cat.....
Nine times....... just in case.
••
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like
she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and
then put it back on the shelf.
••
Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and
escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the
screen.
Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program
Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"
••
My wife told me she was expecting a baby.
"You'd better go and open the door." I said.
"They'll never reach the doorbell".
••
Two men are approaching each other on a
sidewalk.
Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.
As they meet, one man looks at the other
knowingly, points to his foot and says,
Vietnam, 1969."
The other points his thumb behind him and
says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."
••
I was going to hire a midget to be my chef, but
the steaks were too high.
••••
