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Nice Hair-do....

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♥

 "It is always the best policy to speak the truth--

unless, of course, you are an exceptionally good 

liar."

       -- Jerome K. Jerome

••

Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping

carts of random couples at Walmart is the only 

silver lining in my day.  

••

[spelling bee] 

Your word is "spider" 

Can you use it in a sentence? 

"A spider has eight eyes." 

[kid smiles] 

Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R ....

•• 

There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of 

when life begins. 

In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered 

viable until it graduates from medical school.

••

How do blind people know when they are done 

wiping? 

••

One day there was a big lady swimming in the 

ocean by the beach. 

Suddenly, she noticed that she had lost her top. 

She thought that no one would notice if she 

covered herself with her arms and walked 

over to her towel. 

So she went, and nobody seemed to notice her as 

she approached her towel. 

Then a little girl came running up to her and said, 

"Hey, lady!" 

"What?" asked the startled lady. 

"If you're going to drown those puppies, at least 

let me have the one with the cute little brown nose." 

••

Someone just caught me 

picking my nose at a stop light. 

Had to just cut my losses and run the red light....

••

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. 

The mime next door went nuts! 

••

What other business makes money on human 

suffering more then the news ? 

It starts out with ''Good evening'' and then they 

tell you all of the reasons it's not . 

••

when you put YouTube, Twitter and Facebook 

together? 

Answer: Youtwitface.

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••

♥

When politicians get the flu, you never know 

which way they're going to vote.

 Sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the 

nose.

••

A man was detained earlier with a large box of 

fireworks.

Police let him off :)

••

Signs You Have a Hangover...

1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your 

retina than be exposed to sunlight.

 2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you 

continue to tell your room to "stay still."

 3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the 

same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 

4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's

pets.

 5. You set aside an entire morning to spend 

some quality time with your toilet.

 6. You replaced the traditional praying on your 

knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal 

position.

 7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker 

shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 

8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."

 9. You could purchase a new bike just by 

recycling the bottles around your bed.

 10. Your natural response to "Good morning," 

is "Shut up!"

••

Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after 

not seeing one another for some time. 

After inquiring about each other's health, one 

asked how the other's husband was doing. 

"Oh! Ted died last week. 

He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage 

for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down 

dead right there in the middle of the vegetable 

patch!" 

"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. 

"What did you do?" 

"Opened a can of peas instead." 

••

The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy 

is inefficiency. 

An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to 

liberty."

       -- Eugene McCarthy 

••

I took the shell off my racing turtle, hoping it 

would make him faster, It didn't, in fact it made 

him sluggish.....

••

A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed 

at random..

 "Salvation Army" came the answer.

 "What do you do?"

 asked the man.

 "We save wicked men and women," came the 

reply.

 "Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday 

night." 

••

I bet the first guy to say "smooth as a

babies bottom" wasn't the most respected man in 

the community....

•• 

I can't figure out how to set our sundial forward 

an hour. 

Stupid technology. 

••••

••

••

♥

"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in 

case I see a snake--which I also keep handy."

       -- W. C. Fields    

••

According to a new survey, one out of every three 

Mexicans would immigrate to the U.S. if given 

the opportunity. 

While the other two are already here... 

••

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I don't know what he laced them with but I've been 

tripping all day.

••

I told my wife she penciled on her eyebrow too 

high....... She looked surprised! 

••

Murphy Laws Applied to Aviation Sector

Flights never leave from Gate- 1 at any terminal 

in the world.

The best-looking woman on your flight is never 

seated next to you.

The crying baby on board your flight is always 

seated next to you.

If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably 

will be delayed.

Only passengers seated in window seats ever 

have to get up to go to the lavatory.

If you are running late for a flight, it will depart 

from the farthest gate within the terminal.

If you must work on your flight, you will 

experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen 

to paper.

••

I went to a very emotional wedding last night, 

even the cake was in tiers. 

••

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave 

the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel. 

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the 

customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say 

"What is that?" say "Who is that?" 

That is Lenin! 

The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official laughed and let the old man through.

The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an 

Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say 

"What is that?" say "Who is that?" 

That is Lenin!

The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my 

toilet for all the years he prevented an old man 

from coming home.

The official laughed and let him through.

When he arrived at his family's house in 

Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. 

Grandson: Who is that?

Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say 

"Who is that?" say "What is that?" 

That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!

••

Q- You know why women love shoes?

A- Because no matter how much & whatever they 

eat, the shoes always fit..

••

I think I'm gonna shave my legs so that there's 

less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for 

a beer. 

••

A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won

the lottery?" 

His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!" 

The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is 

six, now get out!"

••••

••

How to get rid of Phone books....

••

♥

There are 3 kinds of men in this

world.

Some remain single and make wonders happen. 

Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.

Rest get married...

••

A flight attendant on a United Air Lines 

cross-country flight nervously announced: about 

30 minutes outbound from LA, “I don’t know how 

this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard 

and only 40 dinners.”

When the passengers’ muttering had died down, 

she continued, “Anyone who is kind enough to 

give up his meal so someone else can eat will 

receive free drinks for the length of the flight.”

Her next announcement came an hour later. 

“If anyone wants to change his mind, we still 

have 29 dinners available!”

••

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Nevada!

Nevada who?

Nevada saw you look so bad, you should be in bed..!

••

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation 

and was about to close, the patient awakes, 

sits up, and demands to know what is going on. 

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says. 

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, 

"I'm not going to let you do that! 

I'll close my own incision!" 

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and 

says, "Suture self." 

••

I've never understood why women love cats. 

Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't 

come in when you call, they like to stay out all 

night, and when they're home they like to be left 

alone and sleep. 

In other words, every quality that women hate in 

a man, they love in a cat.

•• 

The woman who invented the phrase "All men

are the same" was a Chinese woman who lost

her husband in a crowd.

••

"If you're choking in a restaurant you can just say 

the magic words, 'Heimlich maneuver,' and all 

will be well. 

Trouble is, it's difficult to say 'Heimlich maneuver'

when you're choking to death."

       -- Eddie Izzard

••

The email of the species is more deadly than the 

mail.

••

A jet ran into some turbulent weather. 

To keep the passengers calm the flight attendants 

brought out the beverage carts.

“I`d like a soda, said a passenger in the first row. 

Moving along, the attendant asked the man 

behind her if he would like something.

“Yes, I would, he replied. 

“Give me whatever the pilot is drinking!

••

Jim said;

Oh no, is something wrong with my computer? 

When I try to save a Word Document as "Obama", 

an error message keeps appearing stating the file 

is corrupted. 

Don't feel bad, I got my computer to save the file, 

but when I went to re-open it, it said it was sealed 

and I wasn't authorized to view it. 

••

And then one day you realize you're older and 

fatter than old fat Elvis. 

••••

# 2450

•ºº•

••

♥

"Tip the world over on its side and everything 

loose will land in Los Angeles."

       -- Frank Lloyd Wright

••

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, 

he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the 

rock. 

"HELP! IS THERE ANYBODY UP THERE?" 

he shouted. 

A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: 

"I will help you, my son, but first you must have 

faith in me." 

"Yes, yes, I trust you!" cried the man. 

"Let go of the branch," boomed the voice. 

There was a long pause, and the man shouted up 

again, "IS THERE ANYONE ELSE UP THERE 

I COULD TALK TO?" 

••

The invisible man married the invisible woman. 

 Their kids ain't nothing to look at either 

••

Why did Steve Irwin's sunscreen get recalled?

It didn't protect him from harmful rays

••

 A pair of biologists are studying terns on a rock 

island just off the coast. 

While walking on a distant part of the island, 

warning shots ring out from a group of thugs 

operating a pot farm. 

This happens several times and the local law 

enforcement refuses to investigate. 

On their last day on the island they happen into 

a huge pile of harvested pot that has been set out 

to dry. 

Quickly they decide to set it on fire to pay the 

thugs back for shooting at them. 

The fire takes off and sends plumes of smoke 

into the sky. 

As they are running for their boat, they notice 

that the soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling 

out of control and crashing into the trees. 

The next day they read the headlines in the local 

paper: Pot Farm Burns - No Tern Left Unstoned. 

••

Two cows, Daisy and Betsy, Are talking over the 

back 40's fence. 

Daisy: I got artificially inseminated today. 

Betsy; Don't lie to me girl friend! 

Daisy. No, no! It's true!... No bull! 

••

Getting plastic surgery in your late 70s, its kind 

of like painting your house as the fire approaches.

Just die, there's no shame in it. 

••

SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET 

IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S 

SUGAR-FREE.  

••

"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense 

enough to be lazy."

       -- Edgar Bergen

••

"The Second Amendment: It says you have the 

right to bear arms, or the right to arm bears, 

whatever the hell you want to do!" 

••

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo 

bottles is there's no room for the directions so 

you kind of have to wing it.

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