••
♥
When politicians get the flu, you never know
which way they're going to vote.
Sometimes the eyes have it, and sometimes the
nose.
••
A man was detained earlier with a large box of
fireworks.
Police let him off :)
••
Signs You Have a Hangover...
1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your
retina than be exposed to sunlight.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you
continue to tell your room to "stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the
same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint.
4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's
pets.
5. You set aside an entire morning to spend
some quality time with your toilet.
6. You replaced the traditional praying on your
knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal
position.
7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker
shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new bike just by
recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your natural response to "Good morning,"
is "Shut up!"
••
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after
not seeing one another for some time.
After inquiring about each other's health, one
asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week.
He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage
for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down
dead right there in the middle of the vegetable
patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend.
"What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
••
The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy
is inefficiency.
An efficient bureaucracy is the greatest threat to
liberty."
-- Eugene McCarthy
••
I took the shell off my racing turtle, hoping it
would make him faster, It didn't, in fact it made
him sluggish.....
••
A drunk went into a telephone booth and dialed
at random..
"Salvation Army" came the answer.
"What do you do?"
asked the man.
"We save wicked men and women," came the
reply.
"Well, save me a wicked woman for Saturday
night."
••
I bet the first guy to say "smooth as a
babies bottom" wasn't the most respected man in
the community....
••
I can't figure out how to set our sundial forward
an hour.
Stupid technology.
••••
