••
♥
"I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in
case I see a snake--which I also keep handy."
-- W. C. Fields
••
According to a new survey, one out of every three
Mexicans would immigrate to the U.S. if given
the opportunity.
While the other two are already here...
••
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been
tripping all day.
••
I told my wife she penciled on her eyebrow too
high....... She looked surprised!
••
Murphy Laws Applied to Aviation Sector
Flights never leave from Gate- 1 at any terminal
in the world.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never
seated next to you.
The crying baby on board your flight is always
seated next to you.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably
will be delayed.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever
have to get up to go to the lavatory.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart
from the farthest gate within the terminal.
If you must work on your flight, you will
experience turbulence as soon as you touch pen
to paper.
••
I went to a very emotional wedding last night,
even the cake was in tiers.
••
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave
the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the
customs official found a bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say
"What is that?" say "Who is that?"
That is Lenin!
The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!
The official laughed and let the old man through.
The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an
Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin.
Customs: What is that?
Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say
"What is that?" say "Who is that?"
That is Lenin!
The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my
toilet for all the years he prevented an old man
from coming home.
The official laughed and let him through.
When he arrived at his family's house in
Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust.
Grandson: Who is that?
Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say
"Who is that?" say "What is that?"
That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
••
Q- You know why women love shoes?
A- Because no matter how much & whatever they
eat, the shoes always fit..
••
I think I'm gonna shave my legs so that there's
less wind resistance when I run to the fridge for
a beer.
••
A man asks his wife, "What would you do if I won
the lottery?"
His wife says, "Take half and leave your ass!"
The man replies, "Great! I won 12 bucks, here is
six, now get out!"
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