••

••

♥

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who shot an 

arrow into the air?

A: She missed.

••

They sell book lights now, a little spotlight you 

attach to your book. 

You know, I actually thought about buying one 

of these, and then I remembered, I own a lamp. 

••

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, 

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the 

wrong finger?" 

The other replied "Yes, I am, I married the 

wrong man." 

••

Little Pamela watched as her mother welcomed 

Aunt Doris into the living room. 

Little Pamela asked her aunt if she would like to 

go to the backyard to see her bicycle. 

Aunt Doris agreed and they went to the backyard 

where a brand new bicycle was parked.

Aunt Doris, "Wow, that's a beautiful bicycle! 

Can you ride it?"

"Of course I can ride it!" said Little Pamela, 

and then added sadly, "but it's broke."

Aunt Doris looked again at the bicycle and it 

seemed absolutely ok to her.

So she asked her, "It looks fine to me. 

What's wrong with it?"

Little Pamela said, "Its strange........... 

Whenever I ride it, it falls down!"

••

On a ship, a French, a Russian, and an American 

were on a ships cruise. 

Suddenly the Devil appeared and said, 

"Drop something in the sea and if I find it I will 

take your soul and you'll burn through eternity ... 

If I can't, then I will be your Slave !" 

The French man dropped a diamond. 

The Devil quickly found it and condemns his soul 

to burn through eternity. 

The Russian dropped a tiny tin of caviar. 

The Devil found it and condemns his soul to burn 

through eternity also. 

Now it's the American's turn. 

He proceeded to open a bottle of water, and 

poured it in the sea! 

He tells the Devil, "Yeah man, find that Red !!! 

Yuh think American's are completely stupid ?" 

••

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for 

some minor surgery, and the day after the 

procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy 

was doing. 

His friend was amazed at the number of nurses 

who entered the room in short intervals with 

refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the 

bed, give back rubs, etc. 

"Why all the attention?" the friend asked, 

"You look fine to me." 

"I know !" grinned the patient. 

"But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club 

when they all heard that my circumcision... 

 required Twenty-Seven Stitches." 

••

What do Arabs do on saturday night?

They sit under palm trees and eat their dates.

••

I got a text message from my wife earlier that read, 

"I'm lying in bed waiting for you." 

I text back..... "I'd love a shag, babe, but I'm stuck 

in work." 

She replied, "You forgot I'm having surgery today 

didn't you?" 

••

Two doctors found themselves on the beach in 

Hawaii.

As a real bevy of bikini-clad females walked by,

 one said, "Look at the legs among that group."

"Sorry old chap." replied the second doctor. 

"But I'm a chest man myself."

••

In a Tacoma, Washington men's clothing store: 

"15 men's wool suits, $10. 

They won't last an hour!" 

♦♦♦♦

# 2330

••

••

♥

I went to the store the other day to buy some 

weights to work out. 

wanted to drop a few unwanted pounds. 

when I got to the register and paid, the cashier 

said there would be a 90 day waiting period 

before I could take the weights home. 

they were going to have to be sent to school first. 

turns out they were dumb bells. 

••

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused 

Novocaine during a root canal? 

His goal: transcend dental medication.

••

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 

second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

••

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, 

revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. 

He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, 

please, with no cream.” 

The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but 

we’re out of cream. 

How about with no milk?”

••

"Time's fun when you're having flies." 

-- Kermit the Frog

••

A nice old gent in Miami Beach met a woman 

only a year or two younger than he. 

They became fast friends. Every night they'd go 

up to her apartment, have tea and cookies, and 

engage in pleasant chatter. 

One day the old gent ran into a friend who 

asked, "Why don't you marry the lady?"

The old gent said, "Then where would I spend 

my evenings?" 

••

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches.

When you can no longer get the straw in the hole, 

you've had enough.

••

I get out of awkward dinner party conversations  

by telling people it's my first outing since the 

psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial. 

••

A woman was out shopping and her son was 

with her. 

The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged. 

The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said, 

"Momma, look at the bowlegged man." 

Mom was mortified and told her son that it was 

not polite to point to a person and make that 

sort of comment. 

For punishment, the boy had to read a play by 

Shakespeare. 

He couldn't go shopping again until he finished 

reading the play. 

Finally he finished and his mom took him out 

again to the mall shopping. 

Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but 

remembered what happened the last time. 

So he pulled on his mother's hand and said, 

"Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear 

their balls in parentheses?"

••

I remember when you had to subscribe to 

Reader's Digest to read jokes this bad. 

••

Me and a few friends have just invented the 

Oscar Pistorius drinking game.

Anytime someone goes to the toilet, you have 

four quick shots.

••••

••

Little Late, Bubba....

••

♥

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board 

anymore because every time we play, 

it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM. 

••

I get high before I get my drivers license 

picture taken. 

That way I look normal if I'm pulled over....

•• 

Sometimes I like to hide my wife's inhaler.

So the neighbors think I'm a stallion when 

they hear her panting "Give it to me!"

••

Some enlisted men were having trouble getting 

past the guard at the train station. 

He said that he couldn't allow anyone through 

without a ticket.... Anyone! 

An officer came along. 

The guard explained, "Look, I like GIs. 

I mean they're protecting us, but I have orders. 

They're trying to get on without a ticket." 

The officer said, "Let me take care of this." 

Turning to the men, he barked, "Attention! 

Now forward march!"

Smartly past a stunned guard, the men marched

through the gate and onto the train. 

Once aboard, they relaxed and patted the 

officer on the back, saying, "You're terrific, sir. 

You're a great guy."

The officer said, "That's all right. 

I didn't have a ticket either!" 

••

They say so many people die because of alcohol.. 

Perhaps they never realized how many of them 

are born because of it. 

••

Deep thought and deep sleep can look a lot alike 

At least, that's what I tell my boss..

•• 

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out

of jail is quite the compliment, so let's dial back that 

"It's 4 am!" attitude, mmkay? 

••

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group 

picture and they hand you the camera.

••

So my wife bought this beauty face pack which 

said "Look beautiful in 30 minutes". 

She unwrapped it, applied it and after 30 

minutes she washed her face and asked me. 

"Did it work?....... Do I look beautiful now?" 

I said they should change it to 

"Look beautiful for 30 minutes" 

well, that's when the fight started 

••

I often agree to let my kids sleep over at other 

people's houses, just to remind parents that there 

are kids who are way worse than theirs. 

••

I have decided to produce and sell a strong 

alcoholic drink called "Responsibly" 

That way everyone in the country can get shit 

faced drinking responsibly. 

And all the other drinks makers will be 

advertising for me on their cans with the slogan 

"please drink responsibly" 

Probably will piss off the government as well. 

••

You'd think the people in front of me at this  

self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear 

reactor. 

••••

••

••

♥

To apply for a job at Hooters, 

they hand you a bra and say, "Here, fill this out." 

••

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is  

when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers." 

••

When Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer 

it's "art" and "music". 

When I do it, I'm "wasted" and "have to leave the 

hardware store". 

••

I bet when spiders see those fake cobwebs on

Halloween they must be like "Ugh, tourists". 

••

"Your generation is too reliant on technology," 

said my grandpa. 

"No, your generation is too reliant on technology," 

I retorted as I pulled the plug on his life support 

to further prove my point.

••

I bet chickens have mixed emotions about 

Thanksgiving, because they're safe for a day, 

but why aren't they good enough for a holiday 

meal? 

••

Two blondes are walking down the road when 

one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and 

says "Where?"

••

Mary had a little lamb..  

and then she had a very large kebab with a house 

wine.

••

I just broke a light bulb. 

Damn, that’s 7 years of bad ideas. 

••

The summer band class was just getting under 

way when a large insect flew into the room. 

The Sixth Graders, eager to play their shiny 

new instruments, tried to ignore the buzzing 

intruder, but eventually one student, Tommy, 

could stand it no longer. 

He rolled up his music book and swatted the 

insect, then he stomped on it to ensure its 

demise. 

"Is it a bee?" another student asked. 

"Nope," Tommy replied........ "Bee flat." 

••

If plan A doesn't work,  

just remember there are 25 more letters in the 

alphabet. 

••••

••

••

♥

My son challenged my wife & I to a game of 

hide-and-seek. 

We took off for the weekend and left him some 

food. 

In your face, loser! 

••

Health tip: Don't kiss chickens... 

Backyard Chickens Linked to Salmonella 

Outbreaks, CDC Says 

Keeping backyard chickens in urban settings may 

be a growing trend, but federal health officials 

are warning about a surprising downside: 

salmonella infections tied to kissing and other 

close contact with live poultry. 

Nearly 2,200 salmonella infections tied to live 

poultry were logged between 1990 and 2013, 

including 306 people who were hospitalized and 

five who died, according to new figures compiled 

by veterinary experts at the Centers for Disease 

Control and Prevention. 

••

Writing is a great career when people like 

hearing what you have to say but don't want to 

look at you. 

••

Next time you see someone you don't like,  

begin conversation with "I see the assassins have 

failed."

••

My friend used to play sports. Then she realized 

you can buy trophies. 

Now she's good at everything...

••

Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked 

into, we can now add the neighbors to the list of 

people that have seen me naked. 

••

An Issaquah, Wash., man apparently became 

frustrated with his personal computer, pulled out 

a gun and shot it. 

The computer, located in the man's home office,

had four bullets holes in its hard drive and one in 

the monitor. 

Police evacuated the man's townhouse complex,

contacted the irate PC owner by phone, and 

persuaded him to come out. 

"We don't know if it wouldn't boot up or what,"

says one of the police officers at the scene. 

••

I don't jog, it makes the ice jump right out of 

my glass......

••

There was the surgeon who was arrested for 

drunken driving. 

They let him go, though. 

He was already an hour late for an operation. 

••

A village was facing a problem of speeding cars 

resulting in accidents every now and then.

The local council could not afford a speed 

camera, so they put up a sign saying:

Slow down Old People's Home. 

It had no effect.

At the next meeting, it was decided to work on 

the paternal instincts and put up a sign:

Danger - Children at Play. 

No discernible reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and 

suggested they try a sign with:

Cloth-less Colony. 

As a result of the notice, white vans and lorries 

crawl throughout the village now.

••

Question;

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? 

You still have to get up & take the disc out. 

It's like having a remote to open the fridge.

••••