••
♥
I went to the store the other day to buy some
weights to work out.
wanted to drop a few unwanted pounds.
when I got to the register and paid, the cashier
said there would be a 90 day waiting period
before I could take the weights home.
they were going to have to be sent to school first.
turns out they were dumb bells.
••
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused
Novocaine during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
••
I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1
second just to feel like a bomb defuser.
••
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe,
revising his draft of Being and Nothingness.
He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee,
please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but
we’re out of cream.
How about with no milk?”
••
"Time's fun when you're having flies."
-- Kermit the Frog
••
A nice old gent in Miami Beach met a woman
only a year or two younger than he.
They became fast friends. Every night they'd go
up to her apartment, have tea and cookies, and
engage in pleasant chatter.
One day the old gent ran into a friend who
asked, "Why don't you marry the lady?"
The old gent said, "Then where would I spend
my evenings?"
••
Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches.
When you can no longer get the straw in the hole,
you've had enough.
••
I get out of awkward dinner party conversations
by telling people it's my first outing since the
psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial.
••
A woman was out shopping and her son was
with her.
The boy spotted a man who was bowlegged.
The boy pulled on Mom's hand and said,
"Momma, look at the bowlegged man."
Mom was mortified and told her son that it was
not polite to point to a person and make that
sort of comment.
For punishment, the boy had to read a play by
Shakespeare.
He couldn't go shopping again until he finished
reading the play.
Finally he finished and his mom took him out
again to the mall shopping.
Once again he spied a bowlegged man, but
remembered what happened the last time.
So he pulled on his mother's hand and said,
"Lo, what manner of men are these, who wear
their balls in parentheses?"
••
I remember when you had to subscribe to
Reader's Digest to read jokes this bad.
••
Me and a few friends have just invented the
Oscar Pistorius drinking game.
Anytime someone goes to the toilet, you have
four quick shots.
••••
