# 1045

Good Morning...Ready for a great weekend...
I guess there will be a few Bar-b-ques around....

☼

"Country road , take me home"

☼

Sometimes you do what you gotta do......

☼

Stab a Cheeseburger??

I never saw a Cheeseburger I didn't like....

☼

Revenge of the cheeseburger....

☼

I don't know, we could add a few onions....

☼

What can I say?

☼

Lazy cat!... get up and move it yourself.....

☼

Going to the walmart, are ya??

☼

Going to take alot of it......

Lots of cow manure next door...

☼

Eno's cool......

☼

I don't know.....

I'll leave on this.....

☼

☼

♥♥♥

~~ Hurricane Earl could hit New York City.

The wind is so strong, they think it might blow away
the bed bugs.

☼

~~ "If it wasn't for pick-pockets and frisking at airports
I'd have no sex life at all."------ Rodney Dangerfield

☼

~~ One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to
his congregation: "My good people, I have here in my hands
three sermons...a $100 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $50 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes, and a $10 sermon
that lasts a full hour.
"Now, we'll take the collection and see which one
I'll deliver."

☼

~~ A HANDY TELEPHONE TIP:
Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the
receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until
he hangs up.

☼

~~ "Now this is the verbal part of your employment test,"
said the interviewer.
"Can you tell me what gross aggrandized annuity means?"
"Certainly," replied Gus.........
"It means I don't get the job."

☼

~~ Q: What do you get if you cross a chicken with a
cement mixer?
A: A brick layer.

☼

~~ One reason why computers can do more work than
people is that they never have to stop and answer the
 phone.


☼
~~ The mistress of a big English house called her Irish
maid and pointed out the dust still on top of the piano.
"Sara," she said, "I could write my name in this dust".
Sara responded,
"My, isn't education a grand thing, ma'm".

☼

~~ After she fainted, my mother was raced to the hospital.
Her doctor asked, "Why do you think you passed out?"
Looking at him oddly, Mom replied,
"Because I woke up on the floor."

☼

~~ The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his feet
when a policeman ran up to help.
"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!"
the shaken man told the cop.
"The car hit you from behind," the officer said.
How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"
"I recognized her laugh!"

☼

~~ Q: What do you call donating your body to a medical
school?
A: A Dead Give-away!

☼

~~ In fourth grade, my son had a huge crush on a

classmate.
So for Valentine's Day, he bought her a box of
chocolates and took it into school.
When I returned home from work, I found him on
the couch eating the same box of candy.
"What happened?" I asked.
"Well, I thought about it for a long time,"
he said between chews.
"And I decided that for now, I still like candy more
than girls."
☼
☼
Todays Thought:  If you're rich you're an alcoholic, if you're poor you're just a drunk.

      ►~~~~~~~~~~~~~<(º¿º)>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~◄

Good Morning Friends, and readers....
Well "Mr.Earl" fizzled out it seems...
Just some rain and wind, on the outter banks....
☼

A pretty sun rise I took some time ago....

I was hoping "Earl" would give us another good one...

But looks like its not...

☼

He's wondering why get up so early to take a picture??

He thinks I'm dumb.......

☼

This guy could care less.....

☼

Wow! you look mean.....

☼

I got 5 of these guys to fix my bad days....

calling "Witchy" helps too.....

☼

Wow! You look a mess.....

☼

Damn...Just one big wrinkle...

☼

I don't blame yah......

☼

Yes you will!! Drag, I will.......

☼

You think it's bad?? looks it!

☼

☼

♥♥♥

~~ The original name for Canada, dreamed up by a parliamentary committee in London, was

"Cold North Dominion," but that waas too long,
so they abbreviated it C.N.D.
The King's Royal Governor presented the new name to the
inhabitants, and they didn't say a word.
Just looked at him.
"Well, what do you think?" asked the Royal Governor?
"C., eh?" said the first fellow, and just looked at the
Governor.
"N., eh?" says the second guy.
"D., eh?" says a third one.
Then silence........
"Hey," says the Governor.
"I like that.
It's a helluva lot easier to pronounce when you spell it
that way."
So that's how Canada got its name.

☼
~~ A man is driving down a country road, when he spots
a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices
that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing,
looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to
 the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister,
but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .
 to people who are out standing in their field."

☼
~~ A cowboy and a biker are on death row, and are to be
executed on the same day.
The day comes, and they are brought to the gas chamber.
The warden asks the cowboy if he has a last request,
to which the cowboy replies, "Ah shore do, wardn.
Ah'd be mighty grateful if'n yoo'd play
 'Achy Breaky Heart' fur me bahfore ah hafta go."
"Sure enough, cowboy, we can do that," says the warden.
He turns to the biker, "And you, biker, what's your last
request?"
"That you kill me first."

☼
~~ Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to
attend college and law school.
He decided to come back to Jamaica because he
felt he could be a Big Shot at home.
He really wanted to impress everyone.
So he returned and opened his new law office in
New Kingston.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway.
He decided to make a big impression on this potential
client when he arrived.
As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone.
He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No..... Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York
that I won't settle this case for less than one million.
Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next
week.
I'll be handling the primary argument and the other
members of my team will provide support.
Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to
discuss the details."
The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes.
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off
instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man,
"I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see,
 I'm very busy... What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the
telephone company, I come to hook up your phone."

☼
~~ My sister is a know-it-all who bristles at anyone's
well- intentioned advice.
But when our older sister gave her several clever tips,
she was impressed.
"I have to hand it to Pat," she told me.
"She really is smart.
Not Jeopardy smart; more Wheel of Fortune smart."

☼
~~ I was attending a benefit, and before the show began,
I walked up to a man wearing fatigues.
"I just want to thank you for your service to our country,"
I told him.
He looked thoroughly confused, but I walked away
knowing I'd done the right thing.
Later, when my soldier took the stage along with a police
officer, a construction worker, and a Native American,
it dawned on me why he'd had a puzzled expression,
I had thanked a member of the Village People.

☼
~~ A school teacher injured his back and had to wear
a plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.
On the first day of the term, still with the cast
under his shirt,
he found himself assigned to the toughest students in
school.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he
opened the window as wide as possible and then
 busied himself with desk work.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap,
he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

☼
~~ A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember

which was which.
A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one horse
and that worked great until the other horse got his tail
caught in a bush.
It tore just right and looked exactly like the other horse's
tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear of one horse.
That worked fine until the other horse caught his ear
 on a barbed wire fence.
Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white
horse was 2 inches taller than the black.

☼
~~ In the Arizona Desert Sun classifieds:
"Enthusiastic, friendly, reliable hard-working person
for
retail store.
Must be able to work with demanding customers'
grumpy co-workers and unappreciative management.
Call for the rest of the story."

☼
☼
Todays Thought:  "Ability will never catch up with the demand for it."

 

(~~~~~~~~~~~ºº~~~~~~~~~~)

Good morning, Friends and neighbors...

One more day, then a cold front moves in...

So we will have a great Labor Day Weekend....

☼

Here is a picture I took driving by the corn field on our road...

They have cut the corn into silage and blowed it in those bags

on the left.... They will fill 6 or more before their done...

Gotta feed those milk cows over the winter...

☼

I don't know Bubba....I had some links, and there is none left over...

☼

Are you real or painted on???

☼

Looks like Biden....Thats just like him.....

☼

What the ELL??

☼

He's saying... "What is that??

Weirdo..

☼

Losing weight?? or diet?

☼

I gotz it........

☼

Another one on a diet.....

☼

Fluffy makes a good pillow....

☼

A wired cat??

Looks funny....

☼

Looks like it....Bet it hard on your butt, too!!

☼

☼

♥♥♥

~~ A picky Pete goes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit.

"Give me ten oranges and wrap every orange up in a
separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman.
She does.
"And thirty cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a
separate piece of paper, too."
She does.
"And what is that there," Pete asks pointing out a bushel
basket in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman,....
"but they are not for sale!"

☼

~~ The nurse brought a lunch tray to Gus, who was in
the hospital "laughing his way to wellness."
The nurse also brought Gus one of those glasses used
for urine specimens, saying that when convenient he
should put a specimen in the glass, that she'd pick it
up when she came back to pick up the tray.
Gus, seeing some apple juice on the tray,
put two and two together, and poured the juice in the
specimen glass.
The nurse came back.
She picked up the specimen, held it up to the light, said,
"Gus, this looks a little off, the color doesn't seem quite
right, are you feeling okay?"
Gus reached out his hand for the glass and said,
"Here, let me look."
After looking at it, he said, "Okay, I'll run it through again,"
then drank it.
The nurse fainted...

☼

~~ At age 70, my grandfather bought his first riding lawn
mower.
"This thing is great," he bragged to my brother.
"It took me only an hour and a half to mow the lawn.
It used to take your grandmother two days to do it all!"

☼

~~ A woman got on the bus with her little boy and paid
one fare.
The bus driver pointed out that she had to pay for
 her son.
"Children under six ride free," the woman said.
"Come on," the driver said.
"He doesn't look a day under nine."
The woman shrugged and said,
"Can I help it if he worries a lot?"

☼

~~ There are five senses: sight, smell, taste, touch,
and hearing.
The successful have two others: horse and common.

☼

~~ "The only time most women give their orating husbands
undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their
sleep."

☼

~~ At the outpatient surgery center where I work,
the anesthesiologist often chatted with patients before
their operations to help them relax.
One day he thought he recognized a woman as a
co-worker at the VA hospital where he had trained.
When the patient confirmed that his hunch was correct,
he said, "So, tell me, is the food still as bad as it
used to be?"
"Well, I suppose," she replied, "I'm still cooking there."

☼

~~ Using a new painting program on my computer,
I managed to come up with a very credible still life
 of fruit.
I made a color printout and sent it to my daughter,
a graphic designer.
She called when it arrived.
"Isn't it good?" I asked.
She chuckled, and in a tone that echoed mine from
years ago, replied, "Dad, it's beautiful.
We put it on the refrigerator."


☼
~~ A shopper at the grocery store had written a check
for her purchases and was waiting for the clerk to
bag them.
Instead, he asked for identification, citing company
 policy.
The flustered shopper responded, "But I'm your mother!"

☼

~~ Sherry said: I was on the couch nursing my newborn
when my three-year-old plopped down to watch.
Seeing this as a good teaching moment, she explained how
mothers feed their babies.
My son's eyes grew wider with each detail.
"She's drinking milk?" he asked. "In the living room?"

☼

~~ "Sorry your card won't arrive in time for your birthday,"
my sister said to me.
"I bought a belated birthday card, so I had to wait a few
days before mailing it."

☼
☼
Todays Thought:  The notable difference between an itch and an allergy is at least fifty dollars. 

        

                                               $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$wishisome$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

Good Morning, Friends......
Going to be warm today.....
☼

They looked like that??

☼

Someone tell him to get out of the water.....

Hurricane coming......

☼

How did you do that??

☼

Gee, thanks!!

☼

Not supposed to be surfing for porn.....

☼

This is what you get for surfing for porn??

☼

Oh, so you wanna play keep away....huh!

☼

I'ze hidding.....

☼

Watch It!! mean flower........

☼

Plat it Nero!!

☼

He's a gentleman helping the lady out of the water!

☼

Okay, what's this Semper Fi stuff??

☼☼

☼

♥♥♥

~~ -Elin Nordegren--she's smart, she's pretty....... she's the PGA's top money winner.

☼

~~ FAMOUS LAST WORDS
I copied this off of Jeff Foxworthy, but thought they
were so funny.
Hey, Johnny see if you can shoot this apple off my head
with your shot gun!
Hey, Joe get a picture of me feedin these bears!
I made this bungi cord MYSELF!

☼

~~ Things are getting soo bad around my place that the
repo men just took my walker.

☼

~~ A woman walks into a vet's waiting room.
She's dragging a wet rabbit on a leash.
The rabbit does NOT want to be there.
"Sit, Fluffy," she says.
Fluffy glares at her, and sopping wet, jumps up on
 another customer's lap, getting water all over him.
"I said SIT, now there's a good Fluffy,"
says the woman, slightly embarrassed.
Fluffy, wet already, squats in the middle of the
 room and pees.
The woman, mortally embarrassed, shouts,
"Goddamn it Fluffy, will you be good?!"
Fluffy then starts a fight with a Doberman and
pursues it out of the office.
As the woman leaves to go after it, she turns to the
rest of the flabbergasted customers and says:
"Pardon me, I've just washed my hare,
and can't do a thing with it!"

☼

~~ "There a few things in life harder to find and
more important to keep than love.
Well, love and a birth certificate."
(President Barack Obama, at the 2010 White House
Correspondents' Dinner)

☼

~~ When my three-year-old brother threatened to
drop a spider on our grandmother, she pleaded,
"Don't.
That would scare me to death."
"That's okey," he said.
"I have another grandma."

☼

~~ A guy walks into a bar and there's a donkey
serving drinks.
The donkey asks, "What are you staring at?
Haven't you ever seen a donkey tending bar before?"
The guy says, "It's not that.
I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."

☼

~~ A fireman working night shift got kinky one day
so he sneaked out and went home to get a quickie.
He sneaked into the dark bedroom, took off his uniform
and ready to surprise his wife but she suddenly turned
and said "Honey can you get me some Tylenol from the
corner drug store?
I'm having a terrible headache".
Disappointed but he put his uniform back on and went
to the store anyway.
The clerk who knows the fireman well looked at him and
asked "Why the hell are you wearing a police uniform?"

☼

~~ I was going to buy a book on phobias,
but I was afraid it wouldn't help me.

☼

~~ I live in New Jersey and I'm used to having people
cut me off on the highway.
But this one time I was cut off by a convertible --
he missed my car by inches -- and the driver flipped me
the bird to boot.
Still steamed, I noticed that we had gotten off at the same
exit and the convertible's driver had pulled into an office
complex parking lot.
I pulled my car over and waited for the driver to leave
the parking lot and enter the building.
Then I entered the lot and pulled up next to the car.
Well, as my luck would have it, I had just made a stop
at the supermarket and had a loaf of bread that I was
willing to donate to the cause.
So I did.
I tore up a few slices of bread and threw the pieces into
the front and back seats of the open convertible.
Then I drove off out of the lot and pulled off across the
street to watch.
It didn't take long for the seagulls to start descending .....
☼
☼
Todays Thought: A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead.

◄~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ºº~~~~~~~~~~~~►