•º•

••

♥

Lena & Ole ask the judge for a divorce..... 

"My God!!!" said the judge. 

"You've been married for 60 years!! 

Ole, you're 92 and Lena, you're 90, why would 

you get divorced now?????" 

 Ole says, "We had to wait until the kids died, 

this would've killed them". 

••

My wife just walked out of the kitchen,

looked at me and said, "I'm afraid that you 

need to get a new dish washer." 

I said to myself, "That's a strange way to break 

up with someone." 

••

Breaking news out of Washington today, 

The NSA finally divulged the real reason 

President Obama authorized and expanded the 

wire tapping act, he is still trying to find Waldo. 

•• 

"I'm living so far beyond my income that we 

may almost be said to be living apart. " 

••

The duffer muffed his tee shot into the woods, 

then hit into a few trees, then proceeded to hit 

across the fairway into another woods. 

Finally, after banging away several more times, 

he proceeded to hit into a sand trap. 

All the while, he'd noticed that the club 

professional had been watching. 

"What club should I use now?" he asked the

 pro. 

"I don't know," the pro replied. 

"What game are you playing?"

••

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York 

were seated side by side on an airplane. 

The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: 

"So, where y'all from?" 

The New York girl said, "From a place where 

they know better than to use a preposition at 

the end of a sentence." 

The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few 

moments and then replied: 

"So, where y'all from, bitch?"

••

So I asked my pregnant sobbing Girlfriend.... 

"Did I come at A bad time?" 

••

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered 

two drinks.  

Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases 

and started to eat.  

The owner became quite concerned and marched 

over and told them, "You can't eat your own 

sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their 

shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

••

I tried sniffing coke once.... 

but the ice cubes stuck in my nose. 

••

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of 

quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. 

He looks around, then sits next to the most 

attractive woman there. 

He was very pleased with himself after he noticed 

her constantly glancing down at his crotch. 

"Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one 

of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce 

a T.V. quiz show. 

Is there any question I can answer for you?" 

"As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced 

down once more toward his embellished jeans. 

"Do you have change for a dollar?" 

••

If George Washington never told a lie... 

how, exactly, did he get elected? 

••••

••

••

♥

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean 

responded to investigations into the basketball team 

by suspending any basketball player who wasn't 

maintaining a passing average. 

Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's 

office, followed by one of his star players.

"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. 

"We won't win this weekend without him!"

"I don't care," the dean said. 

"Things have gotten out of hand at this college."

"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach 

demanded.

"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. 

He turned to the basketball player and said, 

"Tell me,how much is six times seven?"

The player thought for several seconds. 

Then he said, "Thirty- one?"

The dean turned to the coach and said, 

"I rest my case."

"Oh, come on now," the coach said. 

"Why are you making such a big deal of it? 

After all, he only missed it by one."

••

Doctor told me I need glasses.

So I'm having several tonite. 

••

Brian, one of the worlds greatest  hypochondriacs, 

bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket. 

“Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell 

you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my 

head? 

I haven’t heard them in over a week!” 

“Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy 

for you!” his Dr. exclaimed. 

“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian. 

“There’s nothing wonderful about it. 

I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now! 

••

How do you find Will Smith in the snow?  

You look for the fresh prints! 

••

A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a 

terrible phobia. 

“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible 

fear that there is something underneath. 

“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard 

of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated, 

but it will likely take around 20 sessions.” 

“OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?

“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well 

worth it.” 

When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist 

he gave the lady a call. 

“How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.” 

“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and 

told my husband about the cost he thought he 

would save some money, he just cut the legs off the 

bed!”

••

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags! 

What an idiot! 

Who threatens someone with a vacation? 

••

My Daughter wanted a Cinderella-themed party, 

so... 

I invited all her friends over and made them 

clean my house. 

••

I met a fairy today that said she would grant me 

one wish. 

“I want to live forever,” I said. 

“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant 

wishes like that!” 

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets

 their heads out of their asses.” 

“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy. 

••

Andrea told me that while she was playing cards 

her friend called.  

Her friend said, "What are ya playing?"  

Andrea said, "Solitaire."  

Her friend  said, "Yeah?  

Who are you playing with?"

••

As a Viet Nam Vet I was telling the students about 

an especially emotional visit to the Viet Nam 

Memorial in DC.  A girl raised her hand and asked 

me if I was able to find my name on the wall.

••

Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this  

police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.

••••

••

♠♠

♥

I've been trying to turn my wife on for about an hour,

 but it just isn't happening.

I'd better go and find a nurse who knows how to 

work the life support machine.

♠♠

Bob had just finished his course in journalism and 

joined a newspaper agency. 

His boss sent him out on field to get some exciting 

news. 

At one place, he saw a mob gathered in a tight circle. 

He learnt that there was a fatal accident. 

Bob tried to get inside the circle but could not. 

He had a bright idea and shouted: “Move over, 

move over, I am related to the victim.” 

Immediately, the crowd made space for him. 

Pleased with his own quick wit, Bob proceeded and 

reached the spot and guess what? 

He saw a donkey lying dead. 

♠♠

My cat has a new trick! 

He swallows two pieces of string and an hour later 

they come out of his ass TIED together! 

I Shit You Knot! 

♠♠

A recent joint study conducted by  the Department 

of Health and the Department of Motor Vehicles 

indicates that 23% of traffic accidents are alcohol 

related. 

This means that the remaining 77% are caused by 

drivers who just drink coffee, carbonated drinks, 

juices, yogurts, and shit like that. 

Therefore, beware of those who do not drink alcohol.

They cause three times as many accidents. 

♠♠

Whatever you do in life always give 100%. 

Unless you're donating blood... 

♠♠

We had a power outage at our home last night. 

So, instead of a night of TV, the wife and I spent the 

time chatting. 

 It was a real eye opener - 

I'm off to buy a back-up generator today. 

♠♠

And now advice from your Doctor....

A colon cancer screening method that analyzes 

DNA from stool samples won the backing of a 

U.S. advisory panel on Thursday. 

Said one doctor, “Well you don’t have colon cancer, 

but you may want to consider cutting back on your 

corn intake.” 

♠♠

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; 

I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

♠♠

When we were looking to buy property.. 

I had this over zealous Realtor show us what can 

only be described as a totally worn-out old farm. 

I mean the land had just been worked to death. 

The weeds were hardly even growing. 

The smiling super salesman said, "Now really, all 

this land needs is a little water, a nice cool breeze 

and some good people." 

I replied, "Yeah, I agree, but couldn't the same be 

said of Hell?"

♠♠

I received a bill that said "final notice". 

Well that's a relief. 

♠♠♠♠

••

••

♥

I almost forgot to update my status.... 

I'd been to the gym. 

What a waste of a workout that would have been!

•• 

I saw in the paper the other day that there's a 

serious shortage of men in Washington DC. 

I commented on this fact to my wife and told her 

I might just go there. 

I added that the article said that men could earn 

$50 a nite easily as a gigolo. 

She smiled and said, "And exactly how do you 

intend to live on $200 a month ?"

••

For Dear Abby...

She quit speaking to me when I wouldn't open 

the car door for her. 

It's not my fault. 

I just panicked & swam to the surface.

•• 

What do cannibals call athletes?

Fast food! 

••

Ole and Lena had married under none too 

happy circumstances, and their married life had

not been anything to brag about either. 

But when, after they had been lived together for 

thirty five years, Ole went to the local judge to 

ask for an annulment, the whole of R-Ville 

gasped with amazement.

A date for the hearing was set, however, and 

when the time came the judge demanded to 

know the grounds on which Ole based his 

demand for an annulment. 

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Ole, 

"I've just learned that Lena's father never had 

a license to carry a gun." 

••

I should’ve  known it wasn’t going to work out 

between my ex-gf and me. 

After all, I’m a Pisces and she’s a bitch. 

••

Jane said;

When my husband and I were living in Memphis 

we ordered Duck Breast from the local 5 star 

restaurant.  

I like my duck cooked rare, so I inquired, 'would 

that be rare duck?' 

The waiter replied, 'No, it's just a regular  old duck...

local, I think.

••

'Assassins are impressive.  

Its not the killing part that impresses me; its that 

they figured out a way to fit "ass" into the same 

word twice. 

••

I lost a dear friend last week.... 

He got his finger stuck in a wedding ring... 

••

An elderly lady came to see a young male doctor

with her husband. 

After the consultation was finished, the elderly 

man suddenly asked the doctor for a piece of 

paper and a pen. 

Although a strange request, he complied, and 

the man quickly wrote something, then handed 

the folded piece of paper to the doctor. 

He told him to read it as soon as they had left. 

The doctor thought that the man perhaps had 

an embarrassing medical complaint he didn't 

want to talk about in front of his wife, so the 

doctor didn't hesitate in obeying the request. 

Once the couple had left the room, the doctor 

sat down and read the piece of paper. 

It's contents were thus: 

"Doctor, your fly is undone!"

••

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma...

••

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE....

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't 

already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be 

beautiful."  (Jeanne, 8)

••

"It isn't always just how you look. 

Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and 

I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

••••

••

••

♥

Joey is arrested and the big policeman says to him, 

"I'm afraid you'll have to spend the night in the 

lock-up." 

Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge 

officer." 

The cop replies, "No charge to you. 

It's all part of the service." 

••

Went to a dinner party the other night. 

Dress  code was black tie so I wore a t-shirt with the 

face of Tiger Woods on it. 

••

What's the difference between the government 

and the Mafia? 

One of them is organized.

••

Q: What's the quickest way to a woman's heart?

A: Straight through the rib cage.

••

Because I couldn't unplug the toilet with a 

plunger, I had to dismantle the entire fixture, 

no small feat for a non-plumber. 

Jammed inside the drain was a purple rubber 

dinosaur, which belonged to my five-year-old 

son. 

I painstakingly got all the toilet parts together 

again, the tank filled, and I flushed it. 

However, it didn't work much better than 

before.....

As I pondered what to do next, my son walked 

into the bathroom. 

I pointed to the purple dinosaur I had just 

dislodged and told him that the toilet still 

wasn't working. 

"Did you get the green one, too?" he asked.

••

Jewish telegram: "Begin worrying. 

Details to follow."

••

So this old man is walking down the street in 

R-ville. 

He sees a young boy sitting on the street in 

front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his 

mouth as fast as possible. 

The man walks up to the boy and says 

"You know son, it’s really not healthy to eat all 

that candy like that." 

The kid looks up at him and says, "You know 

my grandfather lived to be 97 years old." 

The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of 

candy?"

The kid looks at him and says "No, but he 

minded his own damn business."

••

The secret of our marriage is chemistry. 

She's on Valium and I'm on Prozac.

••

A man committed suicide by overdosing on 

decongestant tablets. 

All they found was a pile of dust.

••

I love you more today than yesterday.... 

Yesterday you really got on my nerves.

••

Anita gave birth to a healthy baby boy. 

An old aunt who came to visit her, noticed that 

the baby had flaming red hair.

"I see that you have black hair", she said to 

Anita, 

"What color is the fathers' hair?".

"I have no idea", answered Anita, 

"He was wearing a hat".

••••