••
♥
At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean
responded to investigations into the basketball team
by suspending any basketball player who wasn't
maintaining a passing average.
Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's
office, followed by one of his star players.
"You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared.
"We won't win this weekend without him!"
"I don't care," the dean said.
"Things have gotten out of hand at this college."
"What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach
demanded.
"I'll show you what I mean," the dean said.
He turned to the basketball player and said,
"Tell me,how much is six times seven?"
The player thought for several seconds.
Then he said, "Thirty- one?"
The dean turned to the coach and said,
"I rest my case."
"Oh, come on now," the coach said.
"Why are you making such a big deal of it?
After all, he only missed it by one."
••
Doctor told me I need glasses.
So I'm having several tonite.
••
Brian, one of the worlds greatest hypochondriacs,
bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket.
“Doc!” Brian exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell
you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my
head?
I haven’t heard them in over a week!”
“Wow! What wonderful news Brian! I’m so happy
for you!” his Dr. exclaimed.
“Wonderful?” asked a dismal looking Brian.
“There’s nothing wonderful about it.
I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!
••
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints!
••
A lady went to a psychiatrist complaining of a
terrible phobia.
“Every time I lay down on my bed I get this terrible
fear that there is something underneath.
“Wow” responded the psychiatrist “I’ve never heard
of such a phobia, but like all phobias it can be treated,
but it will likely take around 20 sessions.”
“OK” responded the lady “how much is each session?
“Oh it’s just $80 a session, but trust me it’s well
worth it.”
When the lady didn’t come back to the psychiatrist
he gave the lady a call.
“How come I didn’t hear from you? He asked.”
“Well” responded the lady “when I came home and
told my husband about the cost he thought he
would save some money, he just cut the legs off the
bed!”
••
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot!
Who threatens someone with a vacation?
••
My Daughter wanted a Cinderella-themed party,
so...
I invited all her friends over and made them
clean my house.
••
I met a fairy today that said she would grant me
one wish.
“I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant
wishes like that!”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets
their heads out of their asses.”
“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.
••
Andrea told me that while she was playing cards
her friend called.
Her friend said, "What are ya playing?"
Andrea said, "Solitaire."
Her friend said, "Yeah?
Who are you playing with?"
••
As a Viet Nam Vet I was telling the students about
an especially emotional visit to the Viet Nam
Memorial in DC. A girl raised her hand and asked
me if I was able to find my name on the wall.
••
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this
police sketch artist to realize I'm describing him.
••••
