••

 

••

♥

 

I'll never understand my wife........
first she tells me to be myself, then she tells me to
stop being an idiot.
I wish she would make up her mind.

 

••

NY ANSWER......
Tourist: Can you give me the directions to the nearest
 Olive Garden?
New Yorker: No, but I can give you directions to a real
Italian Restaurant.

 

••

"The thing about quotes you find on the Internet is
that you can never be certain of their validity..."
-Abraham Lincoln

 

••

Sue : Yearly Bathing Suit Shopping
I buy a bathing suit every year.
Why? Because I cant get enough of the act of
humiliation, ladies and gentleman.
Generally, guys, do you buy bathing suits every year?
No, of course not.
You're guys.
You cut off a pair of slacks, call it summer.

 

••

A guy asks a waiter 'excuse me, do you have the time?'
 The waiter replied 'Sorry, you're not my table."

 

••

Trying to get my wife...............
to enroll in a new self-help group for excessive talkers.
It is called On and On Anon.
 

••
As the waitress entered the bar, the bartender demanded,
"Why are you late?"
The waitress explained,"It was terrible.
I was crossing the road, when I witnessed a dreadful
accident.
A guy was hit by a speeding car and he was lying there
on the street, with his hands and skull fractured.
He was a bloody mess.
Thank God I had taken that first-aid course."
The bartender asked, "How did you handle it?"
She replied, "I sat on the ground and put my head
between my knees so I would not faint!"

 

••

I knocked on my neighbor's door this morning 
said "I'm terribly sorry, but I've just hit your cat".
"Oh no" she cried "Is he in bad shape?"
"Put it this way" I said "My Louisville Slugger bat
snapped in half".

 

••

Girl and boy are  chatting on FB.
GF: Please stay up just a little longer?
I really want to talk to you.
BF: No, sorry i gotta go
GF: Pleeeeeeeaaaaasssse?
Bf: No! My mom said if I don't go to sleep now
she'll come down here and bash my head on the
keyboaryujehs ndbhuji dcb fnekd xnedj ucdu cedtmjg
tjmgjea. 

 

••

Newton's Third Law is wrong:
Although it states that for each action, there is an equal
and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in
reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

 

••

Looking for some new investments? .....you may want
to consider the following before you invest:
The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell
three new types of bonds:
1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity
And...
3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principle.

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

 

Stop talking to yourself......It's unhealthy
I was in bed with the wife.
She said, "Talking to yourself is the first sign of madness."
I said, "I didn't say anything."
She said, "I wasn't talking to you."

 

••

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a  light bulb?
Just one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to
want to change.

 

••

A crook mistakenly made a counterfeit $8 bill instead of a
$10 bill.
He decided to try it out anyway.
He went to the teller at the local bank and asked for change.
The teller looked at the $8 bill and gave the crook two
$4 bills as change.

 

••

A famous art collector is walking through the city when
he notices a mangy cat lapping milk from a saucer in the
doorway of a store and he does a double take.
He notices that the saucer is extremely old and very
valuable, so he walks casually into the store and offers
to buy the cat for two dollars.
The store owner replies, "I'm sorry, but the cat isn't for sale.
The collector says, "Please, I need a hungry cat around
the house to catch mice.
I'll pay you twenty dollars for that cat."
And the owner says "Sold."
And he hands over the cat.
The collector continues, "Hey, for the twenty bucks I
wonder if you could throw in that old saucer.
The cat's used to it and it'll save me from having to get
a dish.".
And the owner says, "Sorry buddy, but that's my lucky
saucer....... So far this week I've sold sixty-eight cats." 

 

••

In the Roadrunner cartoon, the coyote has been chasing
him for 25 years.
I'd like to see him finally get right up to him and go "Sorry,
I thought you were someone else."

 

••

I can't wait to be arrested and go all the way to the witness
stand.
"Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the
truth so help you, God?"
"Yes, you're ugly.
See that women in the jury?
I'd really like to sleep with her.
Should I keep going or are you going to ask me questions?"

 

••

When my Dad came home last night, my mom fainted.

 

••

A drunk man arrives late at home .
He knows his wife won't open the door , so he decides to
pretend that he bought her flowers and knocks the door .
Wife: Who is it? .
Drunk Husband: I bring flowers for the pretty lady.
Wife opens the door and says: Where are the flowers ?
Drunk Husband: Where is the pretty lady?

 

•• 

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says,
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds
of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her clothes but is interrupted
by the doctor.
"No! No! Don't remove your clothes...
Just stick out your tongue!" 

••••

••

••

♥

 

This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave,
cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce
predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The Beretta Jetfire:
Here is her story:
While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we
were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from
out of no where.
She must have been protecting her cubs because she was
extremely aggressive.
If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would
not be here today!
Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took.
The bear got him easily, and I was able to escape by just
walking away at a brisk pace.
 It's one of the best pistols in my collection……...

 

••

I was shopping in a pet store when I overheard a woman

singing the praises of a particular
water bowl to her husband.
"Look, it even has a water filter!" she concluded, holding the
doggie dish out for her husband's inspection.
He had a slightly different take on things:
"Dear, he drinks out of the toilet."

 

••

My husband gives himself bubble baths by eating beans for
dinner.

 

••

Q: What do you think of Flushing, NY?
A: I think it's a great idea.

 

••

Wilfred had just learned his abc's and was very scared of
doing them in front of the class.
The teacher, though, told him that the best way to conquer
his fears would be to just go ahead and do it.
So, trembling, he stood in front of the class and began.
"ABCDEFGHIJLKMNOQRSTUVWXYZ."
"Very good, Wilfred.
But you forgot the P,..... Where's the P?
"It's running down my leg."

 

••

Did You Know,.......
85% of teenagers keep an extra tab open while using
computer/laptop in case their parents come.

 

••

Are afffection trade with Asian countries.
A freighter bound for Long Beach, CA, with a cargo of
yo-yos got caught in a particular violent storm.
It sank 65 times.

 

••

My wife's uncle was annoyed by a small, yapping, lap dog
held by a stranger in an elevator.
He turned to the lady and noted, 'one of those little dogs
almost killed my German Shepard!'
The lady looked at him in surprise.
The uncle continued, 'Yeah, he almost choked on him on
the way down!"

 

••

I accidentally used AOL.com to search for something today.
I feel like everyone who works there probably high-fived
each other and got really hopeful about the future.

 

••

A dashing man in his 90's walks up to a young girl in her
80's at a bar...
He say's "So tell me, do I come here often?"

 

••••

 

 

 

••

••

♥

A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try
to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal
fluid."

 

••

Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest
one night celebrating, and imbibing.
They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to
sing.
He became louder with each drink.
Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might
hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods.
He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.
The moral of the story?
You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.

 

••

Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were having a
fine time until Hymie began to gag.
"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"
"No, dammit, I'm  serious!" 

 

•• 

Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows
you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail
if you really tried them.

 

••

A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year
old daughter.
Mother: 'What does the cow say?'
Child: 'Moooo!' Mother: 'Great!
What does the cat say?'
Child: 'Meow.' Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart!
What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at
her mother and replied, 'Bud.'

 

••

Q: Do politicians ever lie?
 A: What do you think they get paid for?

 

••

A redneck was sued by a woman for defamation of character. 
She charged that he had called her a pig.
They went to court, where he was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means I can't call
Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I can't call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man
asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig
Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said,
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."

 

••

 My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically
on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to
worry about a Will.
He said,  "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people
I want to bite." (Do you know this guy? Beware.)

 

••

Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend
of mine on cruise control.
Both of us in the back seat.
The police pulled us over.
They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving.
So, they arrested us both.
I'm on the witness stand.
You know the rest.

••••

••

 

 

••

♥

Remember for the Holiday Weekend......
Ten per cent of all accidents on the road are caused by
people who have been drinking.
So ninety per cent of accidents are due to people who are
stone cold sober.
So pick your designated driver carefully!
Have a wonderful weekend!.......

 

••

Two drunken men were driving home.
The first started screaming: - Jim, watch out for the wall,
watch out for the waaaaall!
Baaaaam!
They hit the wall.
The next day in the hospital the first man asked his friend:
 - You good for nothing, I've been screaming for you to
watch out, why didn't you?
Jim answered him: - IT WAS YOU DRIVING!!!

 

••

Phillip and Phoebe are parked in Lover's Lane.
He embraces her with one arm, and begins to explore with
the other hand.
Looking over her shoulder, he sees a policeman approaching.
"Awwwww Hell !" he murmured, "Fuzz !"
"What did ya expect ?" Phoebe sez, "A perm?"

 

••

Gives a lot of bull for somebody what ain't got no cattle.

 

••

Some people are like slinkies.
They serve absolutely no useful purpose.
But still put a smile on your face when pushed down a
flight of stairs.

 

••

Wife "What would you like to do today?"
Husband: "I'm not sure.
Let's think..."
Wife: "No, let's do something that you can do, too." 

 

••

Two neighbors had been fighting each other for nigh on
four decades.
Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom
in Bill's yard.
For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.
So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom
in Bill's yard.
After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's
yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front
of Bill's house.
Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the
18-wheeler.
'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemnly.
 

••
Project management is like making love; no matter how well
planned it is, you always end up in a rush.

••••

••

 

••

♥

A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn't take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick S O B!!

 

••

Wife: "Okay, Friday's pay day.
Where's your pay envelope?"
Man: " I already spent all my pay.
I bought something for the house."
Wife: "What? What could you buy for the
house that cost $580?"
Man: "Eight rounds of drinks."
Not looking so good for him....
He is still in ICU.

 

••

When my mother came to visit, she noticed I hadn't once
lit up a cigarette.
"Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if
you were sick more often."

 

••

Everyone is talking about phone sex.
I tried it once, but the holes were too small.

 

••

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said,
"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'
The other woman turned to her and said "I know!
I heard it snoring!" 

 

••

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the
usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

 

••

A young newly wed couple  just moved into their first
apartment.
The wife had a hurry call and ran into the bathroom and
plopped down on the toilet.
You guessed it, the seat was up.
She got hopelessly wedged in the bowl and screamed for
help from new Hubby.
He ran in and tried in vain to pull her out.
He said, "I'll have to call a plumber."
She said, "You can't let the plumber see me like this."
So, Hubby finds an old hat and puts it on her lap.
The plumber arrives and surveys the situation. 
He turns to the husband and says, "I think I can get her out,
but I think that other poor bastard drowned."

 

••

Dry Cleaners had big sign In by 9 Out by 5....
So I told him I would like to pick em up today.
He said they would be ready Friday.
What about the sign......"Oh... that's me"

 

••

Genetic scientists were working on how to clone deer so
they could extend the hunting season and accommodate
more hunters.
Thereby generating more income for their state.
Their main objective was to create breeding females so
the project would eventually become self sustaining.
It was a failure-they couldn't make females so they gave
up on it-oh well....at least they made a few bucks.

 

••

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the
father is?"
"For crying out loud, if you ate a tin of beans would you
know which one made you fart?"
••••