••
♥
A guy broke into my apartment last week.
He didn't take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick S O B!!
He didn't take my TV, just the remote.
Now he drives by and changes the channels.
Sick S O B!!
••
Wife: "Okay, Friday's pay day.
Where's your pay envelope?"
Man: " I already spent all my pay.
I bought something for the house."
Wife: "What? What could you buy for the
house that cost $580?"
Man: "Eight rounds of drinks."
Not looking so good for him....
He is still in ICU.
Where's your pay envelope?"
Man: " I already spent all my pay.
I bought something for the house."
Wife: "What? What could you buy for the
house that cost $580?"
Man: "Eight rounds of drinks."
Not looking so good for him....
He is still in ICU.
••
When my mother came to visit, she noticed I hadn't once
lit up a cigarette.
"Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if
you were sick more often."
lit up a cigarette.
"Are you trying to kick the habit?" she asked.
"No," I replied.
"I have a cold, and I don't smoke when I'm not feeling well."
"You know," she observed, "you'd probably live longer if
you were sick more often."
••
Everyone is talking about phone sex.
I tried it once, but the holes were too small.
I tried it once, but the holes were too small.
••
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said,
"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'
The other woman turned to her and said "I know!
I heard it snoring!"
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said,
"You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'
The other woman turned to her and said "I know!
I heard it snoring!"
••
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the
usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a
minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my E-mail?"
••
A young newly wed couple just moved into their first
apartment.
The wife had a hurry call and ran into the bathroom and
plopped down on the toilet.
You guessed it, the seat was up.
She got hopelessly wedged in the bowl and screamed for
help from new Hubby.
He ran in and tried in vain to pull her out.
He said, "I'll have to call a plumber."
She said, "You can't let the plumber see me like this."
So, Hubby finds an old hat and puts it on her lap.
The plumber arrives and surveys the situation.
He turns to the husband and says, "I think I can get her out,
but I think that other poor bastard drowned."
apartment.
The wife had a hurry call and ran into the bathroom and
plopped down on the toilet.
You guessed it, the seat was up.
She got hopelessly wedged in the bowl and screamed for
help from new Hubby.
He ran in and tried in vain to pull her out.
He said, "I'll have to call a plumber."
She said, "You can't let the plumber see me like this."
So, Hubby finds an old hat and puts it on her lap.
The plumber arrives and surveys the situation.
He turns to the husband and says, "I think I can get her out,
but I think that other poor bastard drowned."
••
Dry Cleaners had big sign In by 9 Out by 5....
So I told him I would like to pick em up today.
He said they would be ready Friday.
What about the sign......"Oh... that's me"
So I told him I would like to pick em up today.
He said they would be ready Friday.
What about the sign......"Oh... that's me"
••
Genetic scientists were working on how to clone deer so
they could extend the hunting season and accommodate
more hunters.
Thereby generating more income for their state.
Their main objective was to create breeding females so
the project would eventually become self sustaining.
It was a failure-they couldn't make females so they gave
up on it-oh well....at least they made a few bucks.
they could extend the hunting season and accommodate
more hunters.
Thereby generating more income for their state.
Their main objective was to create breeding females so
the project would eventually become self sustaining.
It was a failure-they couldn't make females so they gave
up on it-oh well....at least they made a few bucks.
••
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "do you know who the
father is?"
"For crying out loud, if you ate a tin of beans would you
know which one made you fart?"
••••
father is?"
"For crying out loud, if you ate a tin of beans would you
know which one made you fart?"
••••
