••
♥
A blonde said, "I was worried that my mechanic might try
to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal
fluid."
to rip me off.
I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal
fluid."
••
Robin Hood and his merry men were in Sherwood Forest
one night celebrating, and imbibing.
They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to
sing.
He became louder with each drink.
Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might
hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods.
He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.
The moral of the story?
You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.
one night celebrating, and imbibing.
They all became inebriated, and then Friar Tuck began to
sing.
He became louder with each drink.
Robin Hood, fearing that the Sheriff of Nottingham might
hear the band, dragged the Friar deep into the woods.
He then tucked him into the river, but the song lingered on.
The moral of the story?
You can lead a drunk to water but you can't make him hoarse.
••
Out to lunch one day, a couple immigrants were having a
fine time until Hymie began to gag.
"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"
"No, dammit, I'm serious!"
fine time until Hymie began to gag.
"I---I think I svallowed a bone," Hymie gasped.
"Hymie," said Morris, "are you choking?"
"No, dammit, I'm serious!"
••
Dreaming frees the soul, energizes the spirit and allows
you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail
if you really tried them.
you to do things that would get your ass thrown in jail
if you really tried them.
••
A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year
old daughter.
Mother: 'What does the cow say?'
Child: 'Moooo!' Mother: 'Great!
What does the cat say?'
Child: 'Meow.' Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart!
What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at
her mother and replied, 'Bud.'
old daughter.
Mother: 'What does the cow say?'
Child: 'Moooo!' Mother: 'Great!
What does the cat say?'
Child: 'Meow.' Mother: 'Oh, you're so smart!
What does the frog say?'
And this wide-eyed little three-year-old looked up at
her mother and replied, 'Bud.'
••
Q: Do politicians ever lie?
A: What do you think they get paid for?
A: What do you think they get paid for?
••
A redneck was sued by a woman for defamation of character.
She charged that he had called her a pig.
They went to court, where he was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means I can't call
Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I can't call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man
asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig
Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said,
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
She charged that he had called her a pig.
They went to court, where he was found guilty and fined.
After the trial he asked the judge, "This means I can't call
Mrs. Johnson a pig?"
The judge said that was true.
"Does this mean I can't call a pig 'Mrs. Johnson'?" the man
asked.
The judge replied that he could indeed call a pig
Mrs. Johnson with no fear of legal action.
The man looked directly at Mrs. Johnson and said,
"Good afternoon, Mrs. Johnson."
••
My neighbor was bitten by a stray rabid dog.
I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically
on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to
worry about a Will.
He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people
I want to bite." (Do you know this guy? Beware.)
I went to see how he was and found him writing frantically
on a piece of paper.
I told him rabies could be treated, and he didn't have to
worry about a Will.
He said, "Will? What Will? I'm making a list of the people
I want to bite." (Do you know this guy? Beware.)
••
Driving down the street at 150 miles per hour with a friend
of mine on cruise control.
Both of us in the back seat.
The police pulled us over.
They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving.
So, they arrested us both.
I'm on the witness stand.
You know the rest.
of mine on cruise control.
Both of us in the back seat.
The police pulled us over.
They don't know who to arrest, nobody's driving.
So, they arrested us both.
I'm on the witness stand.
You know the rest.
••••
