••

 

 

••

♥

 

I'm combining Easter and April Fools day this year -
I'm sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven't hidden.

••

 

From a passenger ship, everyone can see a bearded man on a
small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.
"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes nuts."

In 1989, a Union Bridge, Md., high school permitted
a female student, Tawana Hammond, 17, to try out
for its football team under the pressure of a federal
statute that bars school discrimination on the basis
of gender.
On her first scrimmage, Tawana, a running back,
was tackled and suffered massive internal injuries.
In October 1992, she filed a $1.5 million lawsuit
against the county board of education for its alleged
failure to tell her how dangerous football is....

 

••

Two old guys talking.
One said to the other: "My 72nd birthday was yesterday.
Wife gave me an SUV".
Other guy: "Wow, that's amazing! Imagine, an SUV!
What a great gift!"
First guy: "Yup. Socks, Underwear and Viagra!"

 

••

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman
about a job.
In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue.
The contractor wrote this down and went to the
window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would
like it painted in a soft yellow.
He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window,
opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted
a warm rose color.
The painter wrote this down, walked to the window,
opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling
'green side up.?
I'm sorry," came the reply.
"But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across
the street."

 

••

You can't control everything.
Your hair was put on your head to remind you of that.

 

••

A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting.
He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours.
Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry
I talked so long.
I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room replied,
"There's a calendar behind you..."

 

••

My mother-in-law has been moaning for two days about me
not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement.
I should probably go down there and check on her;
 he sounds like she's in a lot of pain.

 

••

NEWS FLASH!
A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists.
When the terrorists made their press release, they said that,
until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer
per hour.

 

 

••••

••

 

••

♥

The best doctors in the world are Doctor Diet, Doctor Quiet
and Doctor Merryman. ~Jonathan Swift

 

••

Three nuns die and go to heaven, at the pearly gates they are
confronted by Saint Peter who says "Well girls before you
can get into heaven you must answer a question."
Saint Peter asks the first nun, "Who was the first man on earth?"
She says, "Oh that's easy, that was Adam."
Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into
heaven.
 So Saint Peter asks the second nun "Who was the first woman
on earth?"
She says "Oh that's easy that was Eve." Same thing happens -
birds sing, bells ring, and she goes into heaven.
 So Saint Peter says to the third nun "What was the first thing
Eve said to Adam?"
She sits and thinks for awhile and says "Boy that's a hard one."
Birds sing, bells ring, the gates open up and she goes into
heaven!

 

••

I asked the librarian to direct me...to the Self-Help
section, but she said "Wouldn't that kinda be
self-defeating?"

 

••

Three blonde sisters went to a garage sale and bought a Genie
lamp and took it home.
When they got home the Genie came out and said:
"I will grant three wishes, one for each of you."
The first said, "I wish I were more intelligent."
So the Genie turned her into redhead.
The second blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than her."
She became a brunette.
The third blonde said, "I wish I were smarter than both of them."
So the Genie turned her into a man.

 

••

I'm having fruit salad for dinner.
Well, it's mostly grapes, actually.
Ok, it's all grapes.
Fermented grapes.
OK, so I'm having wine for dinner.

 

••

My four year old and I were discussing holidays,
and I asked him, "What is the day which comes after
Halloween when you have turkey?"
My husband quickly answered, "Election day.

 

••

Pavarotti knocks on the pearly gates...
St. Peter opens them and says, "Oh it's you Luciano -
come on in!".
Pavarotti says "Hold on, I've got an envelope for you from
the Pope."
St. Peter opens it up and reads it;
"HERE'S THAT TENOR I OWE YOU".

 

••

They named me Inmate of the month;
finally something my mother can brag about.

••••

 

 

••

They thought it was funny...

 

••

♥

I had a bad introduction to drinking, as it is.
When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they
gave me Bacardi 151.
I didnt even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like
Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some sh*t.
Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.

 

••

God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating
light and darkness on earth."
Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"
God: "I think I'll call it a day."

 

••

My friend Rae adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to
be neutered.
"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.
"How can I be 100 percent sure?" Rae asked.
"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."
"He already lies on the couch all day," she said.
"If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."

 

••

Why do hillbillies eat beans on Saturday?
So they can have a bubble bath on Sunday...

 

••

I was asked to run a marathon. I said, no".
They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
Then I thought... "hell, I could win this."

 

••

HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.

 

••

saA younger soldier comes back from a 10 month's tour of duty
to find his girlfriend 6 month's pregnant and that she claimed
it was his.
As he loved her so much he thought that he would go to the
doctor and ask if his girlfriend was telling the truth.
After explaining the situation to the doctor, the doctor thought
for a moment and said, "This is what we call a grudge
pregnancy".
The young soldier asked "What's a grudge pregnancy?"
to which the doctor replied "Someone had it in for you".

 

••

Lady's.....
What do you call a man with an opinion?
Wrong.

 

••

I was having a playfight with my wife the other day.
I said to her, "Let's see who can punch each other the softest."
She went, "Okay," and procceded to give me a very delicate
punch to my arm, which I hardly felt.
I smacked her full force square on the nose.
As she fell over I shouted, "YOU WIN!"

••

••

 

••

♥

They say that women love a man in uniform.
I think that's  bullshit.
I've been out in my McDonald's uniform for the last three
nights and I haven't had any success.00

 

•• 

New pick up line..
"Want to come over to my place and watch porn on my new
40 inch flat screen mirror?"

 

••

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers
turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked
illegally.

 

••

Sign on the door of an IRS office;  "Sorry, we're open."

 

••

Now that I bought a microwave oven,
I'm burning the rump roast in half the time!

 

••

A society woman, known for being a difficult patient,
always complained about the delays at her doctor's office.
One day, when her name was finally called, she was asked to
step on the scale.
"I need to get your weight today," said the nurse.
Without missing a beat the woman replied,
"One-and-a-half hours."

••
At one time I had super powers.......
but the psychiatrist took them all away.

 

••

A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of meat hanging
from the ceiling, he asks the barman, "Why are those two
pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which we run every
night, if you can jump up and touch the meat, you get free
drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for everyone all night,"
the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."

 

••

 Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a
terrorist?
 A: You can negotiate with a terrorist.

 

••••

 

 

••

What a snake.....

I have no idea....

 

••

♥

"Higher taxes never reduce the deficit.
Governments spend whatever they take in and then whatever
they can get away with." - Milton Friedman

 

••

What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
Senator......

 

••

My boss phoned me today.
He said, "Is everything OK at the office?"
I said, "It is all under control. It's been a very busy day.
I haven't stopped to take a break all day."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said "Of course, What is it?"
"Pick up the pace a little.... I'm in the foursome behind you."

 

••

Chuck Norris can drink soup with a fork faster than you can
beg for mercy..

 

••

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like
an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute.
That's relativity. ~Albert Einstein

 

••

"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven
is like the IRS."

 

••

Married couples, both 60 years old, were celebrating their
35th anniversary.
During their party, a fairy appeared to congratulate them and
grant them each one a wish.
The wife wanted to travel around the world.
The fairy waved her wand and poof -- the wife had tickets in
her hand for a world cruise.
Next, the fairy asked the husband what he wanted.
He said, "I wish I had a wife 30 years younger than me."
So the fairy picked up her wand and poof -- the husband
was 90.

 

••

"I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!"

 

••

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story
about her then-four-year-old daughter.
On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope
on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began
playing with it.
Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants
to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor!
Then the child spoke into the instrument:
"Welcome to McDonald's....... May I take your order?"

 

••

Chuck Norris was in the amazon one day when he was bit by
a vicious snake.
After 3 days of pain and suffering... the snake died.

 

••••