They thought it was funny...
••
♥
I had a bad introduction to drinking, as it is.
When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they
gave me Bacardi 151.
I didnt even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like
Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some sh*t.
Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.
When I was 14 years old, my boys got me in a room and they
gave me Bacardi 151.
I didnt even know what the 151 stood for; I thought it was like
Heinz 57 sauce or Formula 409 or some sh*t.
Turns out you have 151% chance of taking a swing at your dad.
••
God: "Whew, I just created a 24-hour period of alternating
light and darkness on earth."
Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"
God: "I think I'll call it a day."
light and darkness on earth."
Angel: "Oh yeah? What are you going to do now?"
God: "I think I'll call it a day."
••
My friend Rae adopted a stray cat and took him to the vet to
be neutered.
"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.
"How can I be 100 percent sure?" Rae asked.
"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."
"He already lies on the couch all day," she said.
"If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."
be neutered.
"I'm about 90 percent certain he's been fixed," the vet said.
"How can I be 100 percent sure?" Rae asked.
"Watch to see if he does any 'male' things."
"He already lies on the couch all day," she said.
"If he starts hogging the remote, I'll bring him in."
••
Why do hillbillies eat beans on Saturday?
So they can have a bubble bath on Sunday...
So they can have a bubble bath on Sunday...
••
I was asked to run a marathon. I said, no".
They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
Then I thought... "hell, I could win this."
They said "Come on, it's for spastics and blind kids."
Then I thought... "hell, I could win this."
••
HUSBAND: When I get mad at you, you never fight back.
How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.
How do you control your anger?
WIFE: I clean the toilet.
HUSBAND: How does that help?
WIFE: I use your toothbrush.
••
saA younger soldier comes back from a 10 month's tour of duty
to find his girlfriend 6 month's pregnant and that she claimed
it was his.
As he loved her so much he thought that he would go to the
doctor and ask if his girlfriend was telling the truth.
After explaining the situation to the doctor, the doctor thought
for a moment and said, "This is what we call a grudge
pregnancy".
The young soldier asked "What's a grudge pregnancy?"
to which the doctor replied "Someone had it in for you".
to find his girlfriend 6 month's pregnant and that she claimed
it was his.
As he loved her so much he thought that he would go to the
doctor and ask if his girlfriend was telling the truth.
After explaining the situation to the doctor, the doctor thought
for a moment and said, "This is what we call a grudge
pregnancy".
The young soldier asked "What's a grudge pregnancy?"
to which the doctor replied "Someone had it in for you".
••
Lady's.....
What do you call a man with an opinion?
Wrong.
What do you call a man with an opinion?
Wrong.
••
I was having a playfight with my wife the other day.
I said to her, "Let's see who can punch each other the softest."
She went, "Okay," and procceded to give me a very delicate
punch to my arm, which I hardly felt.
I smacked her full force square on the nose.
As she fell over I shouted, "YOU WIN!"
I said to her, "Let's see who can punch each other the softest."
She went, "Okay," and procceded to give me a very delicate
punch to my arm, which I hardly felt.
I smacked her full force square on the nose.
As she fell over I shouted, "YOU WIN!"
••
