Hope my friends are having good weather, we are.
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Carve a strawberry?.....looks great.
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♥♥♥
~~~ Weather Forecast............... Meteorologist:
“ Put down today’s weather as rain for this afternoon.”
Assistant: “Are you sure?”
Met. : “ Sure I am..... I forgot my umbrella, I’m planning to play golf, and my wife is giving a lawn party.”
.
~~~ A local weather forecaster had the predictions wrong so many times, that he was the laughing stock in the community.
Thereafter, he asked his employer for a transfer.
His explanation: “The climate here does not agree with me!”
.
~~~ I had a wooden whistle and it wouldn't whistle....
so I got a steal whistle and I steal could not whistle.
Then I got a tin whistle - Now I tin whistle...
.
~~~ A businessman boarded a plane... to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said.
"It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
She replied......."Mr. Klopman."
.
~~~ A man was telling his friend how happy he was that day, as he had done three good deeds. “I met a poor woman with a child, on the streets, weeping.
I asked why and she said she had no money to baptize the child.
Thereupon I gave her $20 bill, and asked her to have the child baptized and return the change to me at such and such address, which she did.”
“So that’s one good deed.
How about the other two?”
“They’re all three in one.
First, I stopped an old lady from crying. Second, I helped the child get baptized and save her from Hell.
Third, I finally got rid of the counterfeit $20 bill I had been carrying for over one year.”
.
~~~ One of the newly formed Republics from Asia had sent their Ambassador to the State function.
The First Lady, being polite, asked: “So, when did you have your last election?”
Embarrassed, he replied: “Befo’ bleakfast.”
.
~~~ Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
.
~~~ While on vacation, Bobbie and I stopped for lunch at a diner.
We sat at the counter, right next to the grill.
The cook was a young man who was very busy flipping pancakes.
Every so often, he would stop and hit the grill with the handle of the spatula.
Finally I asked him facetiously, " Does that improve the taste of the pancakes?"
"No," he replied, "That keeps the handle from falling off."
.
~~~ I am strongly in favor of common sense common honesty and common decency.
This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
.
~~~ Ball room dancing Henry Brown arrived late at the country club dance.
He slipped on the ice and tore one knee of the trousers.
“Come into the ladies room, Henry.
There’s no one here and I’ll pin it up for you,” said his wife.
Examination showed that the rip was too large to be pinned.
A maid furnished the needle and thread, and was stationed at the door to keep out intruders, while the husband removed his trousers for the wife to work on.
Presently, at the door were excited voices.
“We must come in, Mrs. Jones is ill,” said one of them.
“Here,” said the resourceful wife to her husband, “ get into this closet for just a minute.”
She pushed him into the closet and closed the door, just in time for the ladies to enter. Immediately from the opposite side of the door came loud thumps.
“Let me in!” demanded the husband.
“But the ladies are here,” replied the wife.
“Damn them!....... I’m in the ballroom!”
.
“ Put down today’s weather as rain for this afternoon.”
Assistant: “Are you sure?”
Met. : “ Sure I am..... I forgot my umbrella, I’m planning to play golf, and my wife is giving a lawn party.”
.
~~~ A local weather forecaster had the predictions wrong so many times, that he was the laughing stock in the community.
Thereafter, he asked his employer for a transfer.
His explanation: “The climate here does not agree with me!”
.
~~~ I had a wooden whistle and it wouldn't whistle....
so I got a steal whistle and I steal could not whistle.
Then I got a tin whistle - Now I tin whistle...
.
~~~ A businessman boarded a plane... to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.
He asked her about it.
"This is the Klopman diamond," she said.
"It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it."
"What's the curse?" the man asked.
She replied......."Mr. Klopman."
.
~~~ A man was telling his friend how happy he was that day, as he had done three good deeds. “I met a poor woman with a child, on the streets, weeping.
I asked why and she said she had no money to baptize the child.
Thereupon I gave her $20 bill, and asked her to have the child baptized and return the change to me at such and such address, which she did.”
“So that’s one good deed.
How about the other two?”
“They’re all three in one.
First, I stopped an old lady from crying. Second, I helped the child get baptized and save her from Hell.
Third, I finally got rid of the counterfeit $20 bill I had been carrying for over one year.”
.
~~~ One of the newly formed Republics from Asia had sent their Ambassador to the State function.
The First Lady, being polite, asked: “So, when did you have your last election?”
Embarrassed, he replied: “Befo’ bleakfast.”
.
~~~ Tuesday at 4 p.m. there will be an ice cream social.
All ladies giving milk will please come early.
.
~~~ While on vacation, Bobbie and I stopped for lunch at a diner.
We sat at the counter, right next to the grill.
The cook was a young man who was very busy flipping pancakes.
Every so often, he would stop and hit the grill with the handle of the spatula.
Finally I asked him facetiously, " Does that improve the taste of the pancakes?"
"No," he replied, "That keeps the handle from falling off."
.
~~~ I am strongly in favor of common sense common honesty and common decency.
This makes me forever ineligible for public office.
.
~~~ Ball room dancing Henry Brown arrived late at the country club dance.
He slipped on the ice and tore one knee of the trousers.
“Come into the ladies room, Henry.
There’s no one here and I’ll pin it up for you,” said his wife.
Examination showed that the rip was too large to be pinned.
A maid furnished the needle and thread, and was stationed at the door to keep out intruders, while the husband removed his trousers for the wife to work on.
Presently, at the door were excited voices.
“We must come in, Mrs. Jones is ill,” said one of them.
“Here,” said the resourceful wife to her husband, “ get into this closet for just a minute.”
She pushed him into the closet and closed the door, just in time for the ladies to enter. Immediately from the opposite side of the door came loud thumps.
“Let me in!” demanded the husband.
“But the ladies are here,” replied the wife.
“Damn them!....... I’m in the ballroom!”
.
~~~ There's a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking............ It's called marriage.
.
~~~ After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication.
When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief.
Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents.
.
~~~ A prisoner was asked how he came to be there.
“Want,” was the answer.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I wanted another man’s watch.
He wasn’t willing I should have it, and the judge wants me to stay here five years.”
.
~~~ "This tooth will be difficult to remove," the dentist told his patient.
"I think you should have an anaesthetic even though it will be a little more expensive."
"OK," agreed the patient and began feeling in his pocket for his money.
"You needn't pay me yet," said the dentist.
"I know," replied the patient....
"I'm just counting my money before you put me under."
.
.
Todays Thought: I find fried chicken legs with strawberry syrup to be very therapeutic..
.
~~~ After my wife and her former best buddy, another Air Force wife, were separated by a move that posted one husband on the opposite coast, the telephone became their chief means of communication.
When our phone bills showed astronomical increases, the other spouse and I sought relief.
Since we both owned computers, we encourage our wives to use electronic mail.
Now they call on the phone to let each other know that e-mail was sent, then call back to confirm that it arrived and have a conversation about the contents.
.
~~~ A prisoner was asked how he came to be there.
“Want,” was the answer.
“What do you mean?”
“Well, I wanted another man’s watch.
He wasn’t willing I should have it, and the judge wants me to stay here five years.”
.
~~~ "This tooth will be difficult to remove," the dentist told his patient.
"I think you should have an anaesthetic even though it will be a little more expensive."
"OK," agreed the patient and began feeling in his pocket for his money.
"You needn't pay me yet," said the dentist.
"I know," replied the patient....
"I'm just counting my money before you put me under."
.
.
Todays Thought: I find fried chicken legs with strawberry syrup to be very therapeutic..
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