☺☺

 

••

♥

I have a feeling I would have been more
successful had I worked harder, invested
wisely and inherited more.

 

••

We went to see a movie the other night.
I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it
feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start,
a blonde from the center of the row got up and
started working her way out.
“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon
me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look
around her and I was a little impatient, so I
said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little
earlier?”
“No!” she said in a loud whisper.
“The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE
PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the
screen and mine is in the car.”

 

••

Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD'S NAME
UNFOLLOWED ME?!"
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*....

 

••

How do we know Adam was a Baptist?
Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked
woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.

 

••

I think it's lame how Justin Bieber has millions of
Beliebers yet Queen Latifah only has
like 8 Beliefahs.

 

••

It's like the only thing my kids learned from
Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

 

••

Chinese food to go: $16.84.
Gas to go get it: $1.62.
Getting home and realizing they forgot one of
your containers....
Riceless.

 

•• 

Knock, knock.....
Who's there?
Wu
Wu who?
I wouldn't get too excited sir,
I'm here to impound your car.

 

••

Me: I love you so much...
Calories: I love you more...

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

Yo Momma's so fat.....
that while she's sits on the beach, the lifeguard
comes up to her to say, "Excuse me mamm,
but the tide wants to come in."

••
After years of study, dermatologists have
discovered the leading cause of dry skin........
Towels....

••
Is there an easy way to tell your dinner date
she has to order something of equal or lesser
value?

 

••

Yo mama's so fat....
the only alphabet she knows is her KFCs.

 

••

Yo momma's so dirty -
mice go mud wrestling in her belly button.

 

••

 

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band
but left because it was just one ting after
another. 
 

••
[FBI job interview]
"Do you have any self defense training?"
flashback to hiding behind fence from
teenagers.... Yes I'm skilled at fencing.

 

••

In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom
reprograms your immune system to tell your
body to eat its own organs.

 

••

The new sundial I bought is useless.
It doesn't say whether it's a.m. or p.m.

 

••

I farted in the Apple store and everyone
got pissed at me.
Not my fault they don't have Windows.

 

••••

☺☺

 

••

♥

 

While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska,
I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways
one need be to live in an extreme wilderness
area like he did.
I asked him about the weater, did it rain a lot?
He said; "See those mountains over there"
and he pointed to them.'
I replied, "Yes."
"Well," he replied, ".. if you can't see those
mountains, that means it's raining.
If you can see them, that means it's going to
rain."

••
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry
each other, you'll have more available women
in your family to date!

 

••

I hate when I put my open beer down and
forget where I put it and then I find like 7 open
beers.

 

••

The person who is your first and last thought
of the day is either the one who has your heart,
or who's murder you're secretly plotting.

 

••

Two elderly ladies were discussing the
upcoming dance at the country club.
"We're supposed to wear something that
matches our husband's hair, so I'm wearing
black," said Mrs. Smith.
"Oh my," said Mrs. Jones,
"I'd better not go."

 

••

Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the
front of the class.....
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no… 

 

•• 

No Shave November....
No Deodorant December....
Lose Your Job January....
Forget To Pay Rent February....
Move in With Mom and Dad March...

 

••

Hi I'm here for my vasectomy.
"Would you like that toasted?"
What?
"Haha whoops sorry, just came from my other
job.
Ok let's do this."

 

••

"Four more years! Four more years!"
The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing.
This is not a good sign.

 

••

Gonna replace my friends' hand sanitizer with
lube and watch them rub their hands together
for an hour while it doesn't evaporate.

 

••

"Is that your dog?"
"No, actually she's adopted...
we were unable to conceive a dog naturally
ourselves"

 

••

My doctor said I'm healthy enough
for sexual activity.
She said I'm just not attractive enough.

 

••

Old friend: I barely recognize you.
"That's the look I was going for. "

 

••

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed
at her and then she turned back into a paper
clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order
episode.

 

••

ME: I think we're being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep....
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking..

 

••

she died doing what she loved: looking at her
phone while crossing the street.....

••
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla,
anything that falls out will simply start building
your next burrito....

 

••••

 

•☺☺•

••

♥

Imagine my joy when I was getting out the
Christmas decorations and found a present I
forgot to give my kids last year.
Their excited faces were a picture as they
unwrapped it and opened the box.
Such a pity it was a puppy.

 

••

Did you hear about the Native American
stripper?
Every time she danced, it rained.......

 

••

I've just been to a Muslim birthday party.
The musical chairs was a bit slow but, damn,
the pass the parcel was quick....

•• 
Attention Walmart Shoppers...
There is someone dressed appropriately on
aisle 12...

 

••

My friends cannot handle their alcohol.
They dropped me 3 times last night carrying
me out of the bar.

••
I hired a Chinese man to video my son's
wedding.
Phil Ming did a great job.
Of course He had help..
from his cousin, Eddie Tor....

 

••

A man has a racehorse, never won a race.
Man in disgust says, "Horse, you win today
or you pull a milk wagon tomorrow morning.”
The starting gate opens, the horses take-off,
they move the gate away and there lays his
horse asleep on the track.
He kicks the horse and asks, "Why are you
sleeping?”
The horse, half asleep says,
“Hey, I have to get up at three in the morning."

••
Hi, I'd like to order a baby
"Excuse me?"
It says here you deliver babies?
"Sir this is a hospital"
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]

 

•• 

"How about if the villain is a psychopath out to
make a skin suit?"
Not in a kids movie, dude.
"Ok, but it's puppy skin?"
 Oh, then YES! 

 

••

Drug smugglers tried to take bales of
marijuana to the states by boat.
They didn't check the weather and ran into a
terrible storm.
The boat took water and sank.
The marijuana washed up on an island where
it was eaten by some seabirds.
It left no tern unstoned.

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

Interviewer: how do you explain the long gap
in your resumé?
Me: I fell asleep with my face on the spacebar...

••
Obesity is now such a problem in the Navy
that they've created a new rank:
Really Big Rear Admiral...

••
Did you hear about the terrorist.
who went into a munitions store and tried to
buy a grenade on his debit card?
It all went wrong when the cashier asked him
for his pin.

 

••

The wife and I were out for dinner
The waiter approached our table and asked us
if we enjoyed our meal.
"It was absolutely delicious, I ate every last bit!"
said my wife.
 "And Sir?" said the waiter.
"How did you find the pork belly?"
"Oh, about six years ago, we met on vacation."

 

••

Coworker: Do you party?
Me: Well I do schedule two nights a month that
I stay up past 11pm..... So yeah.

 

••

I wanna join a gang so I can get in a street
fight with a rival gang and intimidatingly snap
my fingers to a clever song about friendship.

••
The benefits of joining ISIS:
* A new identity.
* Intense religious indoctrination.
* A virgin bride to marry.
Oh, sorry... That's Scientology.

 

••

If carrots are so good for the eyes,
why are there so many dead rabbits on the
highway?

 

••

Tip of the day......
To get sincere personal advice and the correct
time, try calling a random telephone number at
4 in the morning.

 

••

So smoking will kill you...bacon will kill you..
but smoking bacon will cure it.

 

••

*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I'll just take a vitamin or something.

 

••
A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing
the best positions for prayer while a telephone
repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray,"
the priest said.
"No," said the minister.
"I get the best results standing with my hands
outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said.
"The most effective prayer position is lying
down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Hey, fellas," he interrupted, "The best prayin'
I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down
from a telephone pole."

 

••

Me: I think the coolest sport is horse golf..
Guy: do you mean polo?
Me: [realizing he isn't classy enough to know
about horse golf] yes..

••
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish
a sentence before making a suggestion.

 

••••