Down Hummingbird Lane

☺☺

 

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♥

I have a feeling I would have been more
successful had I worked harder, invested
wisely and inherited more.

 

••

We went to see a movie the other night.
I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it
feels a little roomier.
Just as the feature was about to start,
a blonde from the center of the row got up and
started working her way out.
“Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon
me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”
By the time she got to me, I was trying to look
around her and I was a little impatient, so I
said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little
earlier?”
“No!” she said in a loud whisper.
“The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE
PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the
screen and mine is in the car.”

 

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Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD'S NAME
UNFOLLOWED ME?!"
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*....

 

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How do we know Adam was a Baptist?
Only a Baptist could stand next to a naked
woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit.

 

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I think it's lame how Justin Bieber has millions of
Beliebers yet Queen Latifah only has
like 8 Beliefahs.

 

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It's like the only thing my kids learned from
Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.

 

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Chinese food to go: $16.84.
Gas to go get it: $1.62.
Getting home and realizing they forgot one of
your containers....
Riceless.

 

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Knock, knock.....
Who's there?
Wu
Wu who?
I wouldn't get too excited sir,
I'm here to impound your car.

 

••

Me: I love you so much...
Calories: I love you more...

 

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