☺☺

 

••

♥

1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every
five minutes.
2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham
in the crib and you don't even notice....

 

••

There are directions with pictures on this
underarm deodorant.
Yet another disaster avoided.  

 

••

I've seen such a change in myself this past
year.
I've really grown a lot.
I need bigger pants...

 

••

I read somewhere that a spiders' web silk
is so strong that if it were the thickness of a
pencil it could stop a jumbo jet mid flight.
That's pretty amazing, but what's more mind
boggling is how strong the spiders asshole
must be to crimp it off....

 

••
My wife asked me about a cut on my hand...
"Oh, that," I said.
"I was cutting some string using the scissors."
She said, "That was clumsy, you idiot."
 I said, "Yeah.
Anyway, are you looking forward to skydiving
tomorrow?" 

 

•• 

I invented a bullshit detector.....
It works great, anytime someone starts talking
bullshit to me, a loud buzzer sounds.
 Although, it did cause me some
embarrassment when i went to see President
Obama's speech last week.

 

••

Watching Jeopardy backwards would be
about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek
questions that he always gets right.

 

••

 [at pet store]
I'm looking for something cheap and will get
people to stop coming over.

 

••

This morning I waved to the garbage men and
smiled at coworkers in the elevator and now
I'm pretty sure my wife is drugging my coffee.

 

••

Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that's personal.
You're hired.

 

••

Outer space is 50 miles up.
Canada is 200 miles north.
I'm closer to outer space than I am to Canada.

••••

 

 

••

 

••

♥

 

Never underestimate the power of three things;
1. Wife angry for a reason;
2. Wife angry without reason and
3. Wife about to get angry & looking for a
reason.

 

••

Employee to his boss,
“Sir,Increase my salary, I got married recently.”
The boss replied,
“The Company cannot compensate for the
accidents happened outside of the company.”

 

••

Wife: yesterday-night I saw a dream
That u were sending me Jewelry and clothes!
Husband: yeah, I saw your dad paying the bill !!!

 

••

[texting]
 WIFE: need to talk when u get home..
 ME: about what..
 WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home..
 ME: *never goes home*

••
"I wasn't that drunk..."
"Dude, you were driving your truck around the
Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck."

 

••

[1620]
We Indians will bury the hatchet and teach you
to farm.
*Pilgrims huddle* It's a ruse, this soil looks
awful for growing hatchets.

 

•• 

Me: *mocks parents for not understanding
technology*
Me:*has to google how to make an omelette*

 

••

[takes a sip at wine tasting]
Ah yes, this is nice.
You can really taste the wet dog and Code
Red Mountain Dew.

 

••

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee
break about being outlate the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife
was asleep when I got home, so I was able to
sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back,
"Boy you're lucky.
My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed,
and she started swearing at me and giving me
hell for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."

 

••

I can't take my dog to the pond

because the ducks keep attacking
him...
Guess that's what get for buying a pure bread
dog.

 

••

Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks.
I'm just curious, what color were you expecting?

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

How the hell wizards don't set fire to
themselves, I'll never understand;
attempting to make potions and stuff,
with those dangly sleeves.

 

••

Adult: If it ain't broke don't fix it..
Child: If it ain't breakable, not interested....

 

••

I imagine some people are like...:
'should I take the shower?...
no...I'm taking the train today...'

 

•• 

General Lee didn't have kids?
A parent Lee not.

 

••

And suddenly those annoying neighbors that
leave their Christmas lights up all year long
look like geniuses.

 

••

Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row,
I thought you would stop inviting me by now.

 

•• 

I used to brag that my dad worked in the food
court.
I thought he was a food lawyer.
Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear
a sbarro shirt..

 

••

Jobs I'd be shit at:
 -brain surgeon
 -rocket scientist
 -ventriloquist
 -goat herder
 -sober person thingy....

 

••

My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow....... 

 

••

 [tour of zoo]
 kid: "i think its a elephant"
 me: "are you giving the tour"
 kid:
 me: "anyway as i was saying this is the
big snake face thing"

 

••

I wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew
if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew....

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when
families across America join together to raise
the country's obesity statistics.

 

•• 

Pain is nature's way of saying "don't do that".
Painkillers are man's way of saying "Watch me"

 

••

Me: My dog ran away two days ago..
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on
Instagram?

 

••

Gift cards are another way of saying, don't
spend this on dope....

 

••

After we got the divorce she let me have
everything.
Except the jewelry, and of course something to
keep it in..... I call it "the house"..

 

••

Cats are weird.
They look at you like they want to set you on
fire then look all surprised when you toss them
into the ceiling fan.

 

••

Act your age!" I yell at my 11 year-old daughter
as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

 

••

Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the
car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted
to see the ending]
 me:Yep.......

••
'When I go to the bathroom at work and
someone follows me in'
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you,
physically.....

••
Patient : “Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling
out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?”
Doctor : “Yes, here is a paper bag !”

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

 

After i-messaging back and forth with my wife,
I jokingly commanded Siri to pass along this
message: “You need to get back to work now;
you have a husband to support.”
Here’s what Siri sent: “You need to get back to
work now; you have a has-been to support.”

 

••

Chuck Norris runs on the treadmill until it
gets tired.

 

••

What do you get when you send a cow to
Alaska?
Cold cream!

 

••

One day two blind men started fighting.
Pretty soon a crowd surrounded them.
Then one of the members of the crowd yelled
out "I bet 10 bucks on the one with the knife."
Both men ran away.

 

••

"Do you want to play doctors and nurses?"
*flirty giggle* "ok..."
"I'm a specialist.
The earliest I can see you is May next year"

••
Mother and daughter are walking out of church.
and Mom says, "Well, that was a lousy sermon."
Daughter replies, "Well Mama, what did you
expect for a quarter?"

 

••

Hubby - You always carry my photo in your
handbag to the office.... Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how
impossible, I look at your picture and the
problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful
I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself,
"What other problem can there be greater than
this one?"

••
Dating is putting on fancy clothes so hopefully
you can take them off later.

 

••

Doctor says to their patient, "I'm not sure how
to treat your condition.
You have perfect health."

 

••

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper
while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65
feet away from you.

••••