••
♥
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when
families across America join together to raise
the country's obesity statistics.
••
Pain is nature's way of saying "don't do that".
Painkillers are man's way of saying "Watch me"
Painkillers are man's way of saying "Watch me"
••
Me: My dog ran away two days ago..
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on
Instagram?
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on
Instagram?
••
Gift cards are another way of saying, don't
spend this on dope....
spend this on dope....
••
After we got the divorce she let me have
everything.
Except the jewelry, and of course something to
keep it in..... I call it "the house"..
everything.
Except the jewelry, and of course something to
keep it in..... I call it "the house"..
••
Cats are weird.
They look at you like they want to set you on
fire then look all surprised when you toss them
into the ceiling fan.
They look at you like they want to set you on
fire then look all surprised when you toss them
into the ceiling fan.
••
Act your age!" I yell at my 11 year-old daughter
as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
••
Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the
car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted
to see the ending]
me:Yep.......
[flashback to me missing my exit because the
car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted
to see the ending]
me:Yep.......
••
'When I go to the bathroom at work and
someone follows me in'
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you,
physically.....
'When I go to the bathroom at work and
someone follows me in'
Doctor: I meant is there anything worrying you,
physically.....
••
Patient : “Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling
out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?”
Doctor : “Yes, here is a paper bag !”
Patient : “Doctor, Doctor my hair keeps falling
out, can you give me anything to keep it in ?”
Doctor : “Yes, here is a paper bag !”
••••
