Good Morning ...friends and neighbours....

Labor day weekend is here........

"Witchy"....hope your feeling better..........

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Dung Beetle....Maybe it's corny, but it made me laugh....

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A real cutie....huh??

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Anjana the chimpanzee is well qualified to kitten-sit orphaned

puma cub Sierra, helping the humans at a South Carolina zoo with

all the feeding, cuddling – and chasing – duties.

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The Many Moods of the Chameleon............

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Animal trainer Neil Egland uses a fire hose to cool off Kachina,

left, and Cinnamon, American black bears that were evacuated from

the Wildlife Waystation on Little Tujunga Road in the Angeles

National Forest.

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Fahrenheit 747: World’s Biggest Fire Extinguisher........

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A wedding chapel on wheels....

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Do you see the flame shoes buddy?

That means I will not think twice about karate chopping you!

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Wouldn’t you like to know what I plan on doing with this beer

and olive oil?

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♥♥♥

~~~ When Gus, took his beat-up pickup truck to his insurance

agent for a pre-insurance inspection, the teen-age receptionist

was sent to look over the truck.

Armed with a checklist and a few simple questions,

she breezed through the chore.

She asked, "What are the age and make of the vehicle?"

Gus replied, "It's a '88 Ford."

Apologetic about its desperate condition, he added,

"It's an old fossil."

Inside, the office assistant entered the data into her computeer

and frowned. "Is there a problem?" asked Gus.

"Gus, our computers have a lot of automotive data," she explained,

"but it's never heard of a Ford Fossil."

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~~~ Note; A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the

church hall. Music will follow.

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~~~ "Sometimes," complained the presidential aide,

"I wish we had a Pope instead of a President.

Then we'd only have to kiss his ring."

'

~~~ Bobbie was watching the Discovery Channel.

They said laughter increased your pain tolerance.

Hence, the laughing gas at the dentist office.

She decided to get a bikini wax and prepared herself by laughing

all day.

At the appointment the same day, the wax is slapped on and she

is still laughing.......... Then it happened.

RIIIIP!

She never watched the Discovery Channel again...

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~~~ A bank is a dignified institution that was established for

people to have a place to keep the government's money until

tax time.

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~~~ A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary

school.

He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions,

then shared with them the fun fact,

"There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."

One boy raised his hand,

"But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash

your thumb?"

"That," the man answered,..... "is when we use your language."

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~~~ Here's a new invention -- a solar-powered clothes dryer.

It's called a clothes line.....

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~~~ A woman who had been married three times walked into a

bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking

for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type

and color dress are you looking for?'

The bride to be said, 'A long, frilly, white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said,

'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature

are considered more appropriate for brides who are being married

the first time, for those who are a bit more innocent,

if you know what I mean.

Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice.'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,

'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate.

Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent

as a first-time bride.

'You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding,

he died as we were checking into our hotel.

'My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo

on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled

immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for

four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how

good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

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~~~ Every politician should have been born an orphan and remain

a bachelor.~~~- Lady Bird Johnson -~~~

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~~~ ** THE NAME GAME **

* If Kitty Carlisle married Conway Twitty, she'd be Kitty Twitty.

* If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she'd be Yoko Ono Bono.

* If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she'd be Dolly Dali.

* If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she'd be Oprah Chopra.

* If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced

him to marry Elton John, she'd be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

* If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry

Herman Munster, she'd become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

* If Bea Arthur married Sting, she'd be Bea Sting.

* If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and

married Jerry Mathers, she'd be Liv Ito Beaver.

* If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he'd be Snoop

Doggy Dogg Pooh.

* How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married

Felipe Alou, he'd be Boog Alou.

*If Shirley Jones married Tom Ewell, then Johnny Rotten,

then Nathan Hale, she'd be Shirley Ewell Rotten Hale.

* If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor),

King Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and

Norbert Wiener (mathematician),

she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

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~~~ The practice of putting women on pedestals began to die

out when it was discovered that they could give orders better

from there.

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~~~ The judge had not yet put in an appearance in the traffic court.

When the bailiff entered the courtroom, he sensed the nervousness

of the traffic offenders awaiting their ordeal.

"Good morning, ladies and gentlemen," he said.

"Welcome to 'What's My Fine?"

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Todays Thought: "Humans can always be counted on to assert with vigor their

God- given right to be stupid."

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Good Morning,...everyone....Are you ready for a great long.....

Labor day weekend?

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The Sun's coming up........Gonna be nice all weekend.....

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Now,..that's gotta hurt........gonna have a bo-bo...

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Share the breakfast??

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Damn....they thought it was funny..........

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5-4-3-2-1.....Liftoff.........................................

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What can I say??.....

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I just don't know........

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Hungry??........Foot burger?

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Think it will be good in the snow??

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♥♥♥

~~~ My girlfriend said she lost ten pounds

I said, "Turn around, I think I found it".

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~~~ Ethical question......

A lawyer in a small town had just finished drafting a Will for an

elderly widow and told her the bill would be $100.00.

When she hands him the money he realizes that she has handed

him two $100.00 bills stuck together.

He is immediately presented with an ethical dilemma...

Should he tell his partner?

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~~~ hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home.

In the Den was a stuffed lion.

The visiting hunter asked, "When did you bag Him?"

The host said proudly, "That was three years ago,

when I went hunting with my ex-wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My ex-wife" replied the hunter.

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~~~ A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of

tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside.

His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "Youre beautiful."

Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.

Later, her husband woke up and said, "Youre cute."

Startled, she asked him, "What happened to beautiful?"

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

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~~~ I have a friend who's a midget

and also happens to be an epileptic.

He owns a successful pizza resturant called Little Seizures.

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~~~ Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

Son: You told me to change the baby.

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~~~ Football is a game in which a handful of men run

around for two hours watched by millions of people who could

really use the exercise.

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~~~ TV has no place in love.

Marriage is a fight for the remote control.

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~~~ One afternoon, Karyn, my sister-in-law, was driving with her two

little girls, Taylor and Tyneel, in the back seat.

After a few minutes of listening to them argue, Kary yelled,

"Knock it off, both of you!"

Taylor, the eldest, asked, "How did you know what we were doing?"

"Mommies have eyes in the back of their heads....." Karyn replied.

A few weeks later, the gang was again out driving, doing some errands.

"Mommy," Taylor asked innocently, "do you still have eyes in the back

of your head?"

"Of course I do," Karyn responded.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well," she said, pointing to the object in her hands, "I thought maybe

you could read us this book while you drive."

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~~~ “I’m worried about you always being at the bottom of your

class,” said the father to his son.

“Don’t worry Dad,” he replied.

“They still teach the same thing at both ends.”

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~~~ What happens when two snails fight?

They slug it out.

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~~~ I was shopping in Toronto with my two grandsons, Sean and Eric,

when the security alarm rang as we were leaving a store.

I handed one employee my bag so he chould check it, then my

grandsons and I left.

Later that summer in Edmonton, shopping at the same chain, again

the security alarm sounded as we were leaving.

Eleven-year-old Sean said to a nearby store employee,

"It's my grandma, she has a magnetic personality!"

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~~~ The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say

he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the

microwave.

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~~~ "But why did you leave your last place?" the lady asked of the

would-be cook.

"To tell the truth, miss, I just couldn't stand the way the master an' the

missus used to quarrel."

"Dear me!

Do you mean to say that they actually used to quarrel?"

"Yes, miss, all the time.

When it wasn't me an' him, it was me an' her."

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~~~ "I have a hunch."

"Really? And I thought you were just round-shouldered."

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Todays Thought: Be naughty – save Santa the trip.

Good Morning.....Friends and neighbors..
The Eagle flies over today......
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A monkey kiss......... or is it your aftershave?
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Flipper soccer.....Kick a goal.....

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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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I thought I heard a strange noise, under the hood.......

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Riding his BMW.......how cool is that?....

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This is a great image from the 1910's showing a friendly game of auto polo.

I guess when the car first came out, people explored all the different ways that

the car could replace the horse. It looks like a great game, and safe too?

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Gotta go....Time for the school bus.......

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Just sunning hisself..........

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Just resting...running up and down them trees is tiring....

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♥♥♥

~~~ Gus takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
"My dog's cross eyed.
Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him"..
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"

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~~~ A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked
a beautiful young lady.
Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.
"On what grounds?" asked the lawyer.
"I don't think he is faithful to me," she replied.
"And what makes you think he isn't faithful?" asked the lawyer.
"Well," replied the young lady...............
"I don't think he is the father of my child."

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~~~ A blonde is on board a small two seater plane when suddenly the pilot dies.
Not knowing how to fly a plane she grabs the radio.
"Mayday, mayday! My pilot just died!"
Ground control received her call for help and answers back:
"Don't worry, madam...... I'll talk you down, just do as I say.
First I need you to give me your height and position".
"I'm 5"2' and sitting in the front".

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~~~ My 17-year-old nephew asked me if he could use my name as a
reference on his resume', which he planned to submit to a local fast-food
restaurant.
I agreed.
A few days later he called and asked me to meet him at the restaurant later
that afternoon.
When I asked him why, he replied, "The manager wants me to come in for
an interview, and she told me to bring my references."

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~~~ After many years, her original wedding band had become worn and thin,
so she asked her husband to buy her a new ring as her anniversary present.
But this time she asked him to buy her one with diamonds.
They went down to the jewelry store to pick one out.
As they waited for the clerk, she said to her husband,
"My eyes aren't as good as they used to be,
so I'd really like diamonds I can see."
Having overheard their conversation, a lady standing nearby remarked,
"Sir, it would be cheaper if you bought her glasses."

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~~~ OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you've just made a BIG mistake.

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~~~ "I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful, and damaging to
all things American.
But if I were twenty-two with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful,
patriotic, and a progressive religious experience."- Shelley Winters -

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~~~ Now that the metric system is in wide use all over the world,
we can see why Americans have not adopted it:
A miss is as good as 1.6 kilometers.
Put your best .3 of a meter forward.
Spare the 5.03 meters and spoil the child.
Twenty-eight grams of prevention is worth 453 grams of cure.
Give a man 2.5 centimeters and he'll take 1.6 kilometers.
Peter Piper picked 8.8 liters of pickled peppers.

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~~~ A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
"Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard
them," instructed the lawyer.
The witness hesitated......
"But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear," she protested.
"Then," said the attorney, "just whisper them to the judge."

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~~~ If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course...at least he'll shut up after you let him in.

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~~~ Lunching in a pub before a matinee performance,
British actor Wilfrid Lawson met fellow-actor Richard Burton and invited
him to the show that afternoon.
As Lawson was not due to appear at the beginning of the play, he sat with
Burton to watch the opening scenes.
Some twenty minutes into the performance, however,
Burton was a little concerned to find Lawson still sitting beside him,
having made no move to leave and prepare for his entrance.
A few moments later, Lawson tapped Burton on the arm.
"You'll like this bit," he whispered excitedly.
"This is where I come on."

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~~~ DAD: Don’t be selfish.
Let your sister use the sled half the time.
SON: I do, Dad.
I use it going down the hill and she gets to use it coming up.
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Todays Thought: Worry is like a rocking chair;
it keeps you busy, but gets you nowhere...........

Good Morning...friends, and gripers too. (you know who you are)
Here's extra pictures for ya "Pete", I know you like pics.....
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This guy wants out...... He needs a playmate.....
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Wow....gotta watch them smart cars..........

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Now....This is a "Wheelie".......

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Big Wheels......Bling-Bling...... They would look good on my Ranger.....

What ya think.....Friends??

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That's gonna hurt.............

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Ain't he a sweet looking critter?.....

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I think he's been in the melon patch...... and now nap time.....

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Okay....guard, put the cuffs on the bad guy...

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Picture worth 1,000 words.............

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I have no idea................................

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Custom Motorcycle??............

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Pete....I'm just going to hang out........ see ya later...

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♥♥♥

~~~ Pete , had a sore back, so he asked his wife to put on his socks for him.
However, the socks he handed her were dirty.
She told him that she was not putting dirty socks on him,
as he would end up with athlete's foot.
He replied, "If I had athlete's feet, I'd be in better shape."

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~~~ Pete walked up to a vending machine, put in a coin, and pressed the button labeled, "Coffee, double cream, sugar."
No cup appeared.
Then two nozzles went into action, one sending forth coffee, the other, cream.
After the proper amounts had gone down the drain where the cup should
have been, the machine turned off.
"Now that's real automation," Pete exclaimed.
"This thing even drinks it for you."

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~~~ More and more crews are being made up of women lately.
Soon they won't be able to call it the cockpit anymore!

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~~~ The big shot CEO was in the waiting room of the maternity ward
of the hospital.
Unlike the other fathers who paced the floor nervously, he sat poring over
papers and checking his laptop computer constantly.
After several hours, the nurse interrrupted his work.
"It's a boy, sir!" she said.
"Well," snapped the CEO, without looking up, "find out what he wants."

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~~~ Hey....Taz......knock knock....
whose there?
duane-----
duane who----
duane the tub Im dwonning.....

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~~~ I'm a conscientious man, when I throw rocks at seabirds I leave no
tern unstoned. ...

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~~~ Well, Sunday night I participated in a drawing at the Horseshoe, tobacco
chewing contest for a new Lamborghini.
I didn't win which is probably a good thing, because I don't think you can find
parts to fix those things at the local 'you-pull-it'.

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~~~ "I earn a living by my wits."
"Well, half a living is better than none."

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~~~ Football confuses me.
Each team has a dozen beautiful cheerleaders, but when the team scores,
the players hug one another!

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~~~ Last Sunday the priest announced to his congregation.
"I have good news and bad news."
The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building
program.
The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

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~~~ Pete, an old artisan who prided himself on his ability to drive a hard
bargain contracted to paint a huge barn in the neighborhood for the small
sum of $200.
"Why on earth did you agree to do it for so little?" ....Gus asked.
"Well," said Pete., "you see, the owner is a mighty unreliable man.
If I said I'd charge him $500 dollars, likely he'd only pay me $300.
And if I charge him $200, he may not pay me but $150..
So I thought it over and decided to paint it for $200,
so I wouldn't lose so much money."

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~~~ One day, a hippie was walking down the street in his city, and spots a
penny face up on the ground.
"Hey," the hippie thinks, "that's some good luck!"
so he picks it up and slips it in his pocket.
As he rounds the corner, he bumps into a pixie, of all things, floating in mid-air.
"You're definitely in luck young man, because you just found MY lucky penny,
and if you give it back, I'll give you two wishes."
The hippie pulls out the penny and gives it back to the pixie, and then sits
against a building to think for a minute.
The pixie patiently waited as the hippie pondered, and after a few minutes,
he looks up and says, "I wish I had a never ending joint!".
The pixie grins mischievously and pulls a good-sized fatty out of her pocket.
The hippie flicks his bic and lights up, puffing once, twice, four times...
After ten puffs, the joint hasn't burned down a bit.
At this point, the pixie is getting a little impatient,
and tapes the very stoned hippie on the shoulder.
"Well, what's your second wish?" and without missing a beat, the hippie
exclaimed, "Dude, I want another one of these!"
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Todays Thought: One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Good Morning...Everyone, ans especially friends....
Well, the phone lines fixed.... Now "Witchy's" getting
some surgery.... nothing serious.. just painful....
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"Damn... This bed is lumpy".....
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Up-side down bike........cool.

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Cute hair.....BABE!

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Boy!...It must be good, or your very hungry.........

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One on one.....Any one??

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Eyes of a Holcocephala fusca Robber Fly...

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Name calling gets you nowere..............

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Gee your hair smells:

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It’s a measure of its worth that Willie Nelson’s beloved Trigger enjoys round-the-clock protection from a bodyguard. A 1969 Martin N-20 Classic, Trigger has been Nelson’s constant companion for nearly four decades.

Millions of pick-strums have worn a gaping opening near the sound-hole, but the tone remains rich and like none other.

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♥♥♥

~~~ A motorist driving by Pete's farm hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to Pete and explained what had happened.
He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the Pete.
"But in six years it would have been worth $900.
So $900 is what I'm out.
"The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to Pete.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900.
It is post-dated six years from now."

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~~~ A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks, "Do you have any chicken?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only chicken and puts it on the weighing scales.
It weighs 1.5 kg.
The woman looks at the chicken and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the chicken back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the chicken.
The scales now show 2 kg.
"That's wonderful," says the woman....... "I'll take both of them, please!"
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~~~ I was on the phone trying to set up a furniture delivery.
"If you would like to arrange a delivery date, please press one," the automated voice prompted me.
"If you would like to confirm delivery, please press two."
At that moment my three-year-old daughter let out an ear-piercing shriek.
"I'm sorry," the automated voice said, "that is not a valid response."

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~~~ Sign In a pet shop window:"Free legless parakeet........
No perches necessary."

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~~~ IT'S SO HOT...All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air.
The cows thought it was snowing. And they froze to death.
It's so hot, I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.
The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.
Satan decided to take the day off.
Even the sun was looking for some shade.
The birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.
I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'.
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Two trees were fighting over a dog....
The workers at the chicken place were jumping in the fry vat just to cool off.
I saw a fire hydrant begging a dog to pee on it.

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~~~ You never know a man at all if you've met him only when his wife is around.

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~~~ At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."

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~~~ There was the accountant who told his client, "There's good news, and there's bad news."
"Give me the bad news first," the client said nervously.
"The bad news is that your business is flat on its back."
The businessperson asked hopefully, "And what's the good news?"
"It's looking up."

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~~~ I was attending a low-risk delivery of a couple where the mom had an epidural and was feeling no pain.
To pass the time, we were chatting while she labored.
The topic somehow turned to the theory that sexual position can influence the gender of the baby.
With a grin the woman turned to her husband and said, "Oh honey, maybe we're having puppies!"
I cracked up!

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~~~ President Warren G. Harding once had sex with his mistress (Nan Britton) in the executive mansion.
Visitors who ask in which bedroom the sordid act took place may be shocked by the answer.
It took place not in a bedroom, but in a White House closet.

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~~~ An elderly couple had a porch in which they kept a couple of food bins: one of the bins contained apples, and the other bin contained nuts.
They were having quite a bit of trouble with mice, so one evening before going to bed they set a couple of mouse traps - one by the bin of apples and one by the bin of nuts.
During the night they heard a trap snap.
The old gentleman got up to see which mouse trap had caught a mouse.
Upon returning to bed his wife asked him, "Well did we catch him by the apples?"
The old gentleman replied, "Nope, guess again."

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~~~ Gus: What position does your cousin play on the school football team?
Pete: I think he's one of the drawbacks.
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Todays Thought: A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.