Well, the phone lines fixed.... Now "Witchy's" getting
some surgery.... nothing serious.. just painful....
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"Damn... This bed is lumpy"......
Up-side down bike........cool.
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Cute hair.....BABE!
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Boy!...It must be good, or your very hungry.........
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One on one.....Any one??
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Eyes of a Holcocephala fusca Robber Fly...
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Name calling gets you nowere..............
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Gee your hair smells:
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It’s a measure of its worth that Willie Nelson’s beloved Trigger enjoys round-the-clock protection from a bodyguard. A 1969 Martin N-20 Classic, Trigger has been Nelson’s constant companion for nearly four decades.
Millions of pick-strums have worn a gaping opening near the sound-hole, but the tone remains rich and like none other.
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♥♥♥
~~~ A motorist driving by Pete's farm hit and killed a calf that was crossing the road.
The driver went to Pete and explained what had happened.
He then asked what the animal was worth.
"Oh, about $200 today," said the Pete.
"But in six years it would have been worth $900.
So $900 is what I'm out.
"The motorist sat down and wrote out a check and handed it to Pete.
"Here," he said, "is the check for $900.
It is post-dated six years from now."
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~~~ A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks, "Do you have any chicken?"
The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only chicken and puts it on the weighing scales.
It weighs 1.5 kg.
The woman looks at the chicken and at the scales and asks, "Do you have one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"
The butcher puts the chicken back into the fridge and then takes it out again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb on the chicken.
The scales now show 2 kg.
"That's wonderful," says the woman....... "I'll take both of them, please!"
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~~~ I was on the phone trying to set up a furniture delivery.
"If you would like to arrange a delivery date, please press one," the automated voice prompted me.
"If you would like to confirm delivery, please press two."
At that moment my three-year-old daughter let out an ear-piercing shriek.
"I'm sorry," the automated voice said, "that is not a valid response."
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~~~ Sign In a pet shop window:"Free legless parakeet........
No perches necessary."
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~~~ IT'S SO HOT...All the corn on the stalks started popping and flying through the air.
The cows thought it was snowing. And they froze to death.
It's so hot, I saw squirrels fanning their nuts.
The potatoes cook underground and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard boiled eggs.
The cows are giving evaporated milk.
The trees are whistlin' for the dogs.
Satan decided to take the day off.
Even the sun was looking for some shade.
The birds had to pick up the worms with potholders.
I saw a dog chasing a cat and they were both walkin'.
The chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
Two trees were fighting over a dog....
The workers at the chicken place were jumping in the fry vat just to cool off.
I saw a fire hydrant begging a dog to pee on it.
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~~~ You never know a man at all if you've met him only when his wife is around.
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~~~ At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't hear the question.
"Isn't it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you."
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~~~ There was the accountant who told his client, "There's good news, and there's bad news."
"Give me the bad news first," the client said nervously.
"The bad news is that your business is flat on its back."
The businessperson asked hopefully, "And what's the good news?"
"It's looking up."
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~~~ I was attending a low-risk delivery of a couple where the mom had an epidural and was feeling no pain.
To pass the time, we were chatting while she labored.
The topic somehow turned to the theory that sexual position can influence the gender of the baby.
With a grin the woman turned to her husband and said, "Oh honey, maybe we're having puppies!"
I cracked up!
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~~~ President Warren G. Harding once had sex with his mistress (Nan Britton) in the executive mansion.
Visitors who ask in which bedroom the sordid act took place may be shocked by the answer.
It took place not in a bedroom, but in a White House closet.
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~~~ An elderly couple had a porch in which they kept a couple of food bins: one of the bins contained apples, and the other bin contained nuts.
They were having quite a bit of trouble with mice, so one evening before going to bed they set a couple of mouse traps - one by the bin of apples and one by the bin of nuts.
During the night they heard a trap snap.
The old gentleman got up to see which mouse trap had caught a mouse.
Upon returning to bed his wife asked him, "Well did we catch him by the apples?"
The old gentleman replied, "Nope, guess again."
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~~~ Gus: What position does your cousin play on the school football team?
Pete: I think he's one of the drawbacks.
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Todays Thought: A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
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