Down Hummingbird Lane

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Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone.
My children are scared of me & I've repelled
everyone else.
But I'm starting to really like pears.

 

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Flex is the type of dude who eat two gummy
 bears at the same time so they don't die alone.

 

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[after 20 minutes of awkward silence in the
sauna]
 "This isn't the bathroom is it"....

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If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember,
cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what
they tell you.

 

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[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his
spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I'm not letting that
baby get stronger than me...

 

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Wife: wow, we must have had a lot of trick or
treaters come by!
Me: wha?
Her: Because all the candy is gone.....
Me: Ooooh right..... So many.

 

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And then there's the missing indian...
Name of "Falling rocks".
They've been looking for him for years.
Seems he disappeared in the mountains.
In fact, everywhere you go, on mountain
highways,, you see highway signs that say
" Watch For Falling Rocks ".

 

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If you carry a baseball bat in your car, you
should carry a glove too.
Your lawyer will thank you.

 

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