••
♥
I needed to measure my waist but
I couldn't find the tape measure.
So I just shoved a ruler up my butt and
multiplied it by pi.
••
My girlfriend said she was ready for a trip down
the aisle.
I sent her to Bass Pro with my credit card and
told her to bring me back some fishing lures.
She brought back melted charge card :(
the aisle.
I sent her to Bass Pro with my credit card and
told her to bring me back some fishing lures.
She brought back melted charge card :(
••
Him: You're a DJ?
I'm not one for dancing.
I've got this leg, you see?
I've had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
I'm not one for dancing.
I've got this leg, you see?
I've had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
••
Mommy, Mommy! I don't like fishing.
Shut up and stop squirming.
Shut up and stop squirming.
••
Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most
in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"
in your life?"
Student: "My father's check book!"
••
The bank says this is my final notice.
Isn't it great they're not going to bother me
anymore ?
Isn't it great they're not going to bother me
anymore ?
••
Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex
when you're drunk"
Husband says "That’s not true . . . Sometimes
I want a kebab"
when you're drunk"
Husband says "That’s not true . . . Sometimes
I want a kebab"
••
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until
he marries her?
Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
••
The worst part of the robot uprising will be the
constant software updates....
constant software updates....
••
How many blondes does it take to change a
diaper?
I don’t know, ask Hugh Hefner...
diaper?
I don’t know, ask Hugh Hefner...
••••
