☺☺

 

••

♥

 

My favorite part about Black Friday is the part
where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot
& sit in my car with the reverse lights on....

 

••

 Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
 Host: That's a salad.

 

••

Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups,
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.
Must be a safety in numbers thing.
 

••
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving!
I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha...Christmas.

 

••

[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: I'm thankful for the land you gave us..
Natives: we didn't give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*

 

••

I'm not apathetic, I prefer emotionally
constipated....

 

••

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from
"The Walking Dead."

 

••

Every once in a while, it's important to show
my kids who's boss.
I do this by pointing to my wife....

 

••
Flex sent his photo to a Lonely Hearts Club.
They sent it back and said they weren't that
lonely.

 

••

Waits for the worst possible time to tell you
that they have to pee...
~Kids

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

 

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on
while we were on vacation.
Angel: I'm sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN'T FIX THIS MESS...
 

••
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in
my head until I realised it had just moved them
to my mouth.

 

••

Son: DAD! There's a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute...... You mean monster?
Son: No!
[from under the bed] "Whatcha gonna do 'bout
it big guy?"  
 

••
Haloween;
Demons are a ghoul's best friend.
Eat, drink and be scary.
What's the problem with twin witches?
You never know which witch is which.

 

••

In the back of the Guinness Book of World
Records it states "All records are currently held
by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this
book are only the records of those people who
have come closest to Chuck Norris' records."

 

••

Dear Abby, I want to run over my neighbor with
my SUV.
How can I do that without raising my insurance
rates?

 

••

Just bought Colgate mouthwash 'cause it builds
stronger gums and someday my gums might
have to lift a car off a baby.

 

••

You can lead a horse to water but it's pretty
crowded there because of all the men you
taught to fish in that other proverb.
 

••
yo mommas so fat she uses a drone to put on
her dress. and has to recharge it 3 times to
finish ...

 

••••

 

#2900

☺☺

 

••

♥

 

The Top Signs You're Out of Shape........
1.You've ever torn something just trying to turn
off the alarm clock.
2.People at work only refer to you by saying
"Hey fatso!"
3.You've thrown your back out by carrying a
bag of groceries.
4.Random strangers come up, poke you in the
stomach and expect you to giggle.
5.Your record is 34 Pushups and you could
have done more if the Ice Cream Man would
have taken plastic.
6.You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The
Oldies.
7.You cramp up while watching the New York
City Marathon.
8.Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout
video.
9.The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you
away from the jeans rack and whispers
"Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"

 

••

I could get 90% off a Bugatti and I still wouldn't

be able to afford it.

 

••

I don't really like watching basketball,

I just watch it to find out who the next member
of the Kardashian family will be.

 

••

Apply Where I Work...

   Competitive Salary-
Paying you less than our competitions.
   Join our Fast Paced Team-
We expect you to know everything so we don’t
train you.
   Casual Work Atmosphere-
We don’t pay you enough to dress you up.
   Must be Deadline Oriented-
You are 6 months behind on your first day.
   Duties Will Vary-
Anyone in the Office can boss you around.
    Must have an eye for detail-
We have no quality control..

 

••

Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the
traditional thing of shooting my own turkey.
Man, you should have seen the people scatter
in the meat department.

 

••

When everyone at the table takes turns saying

what they are thankful for, say, I'm thankful I
didn't get caught, and refuse to say anything
more.

 

••

Keep your eye off the turkey dressing.

It makes him blush!

 

••

His wife had been killed in an accident and the

police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?"
asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty
years," said the Irishman.

 

••

Me: What are your plans for tonight?

13: Think I'll hang out with you and mom.
Me: Goddammit...uh I mean that's great.

 

••••

 

 

☺☺

 

••

♥

 

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some
information I need to give you but I in no way
shape or form want to hear your voice....

 

••

A surprise party on someone's birthday isn't
surprising.
A better time would be 3-4 months after their
birthday, in the middle of the night.

 

••

A man was arrested for publicly exposing
himself to the "wrong person,"
which implies somewhere out there the right
person is waiting.

 

••

An elderly woman went to her doctor,
complaining about not being able to hear out of
one ear.
The doctor then took his penlight, looked in
her ear, then took his tweezers, reached in,
and pulled something out.
After examining the object for a second, he
exclaimed, "Well....it seems you inserted a
suppository into your ear...".
The old lady thought for a second, then
responded "Gee....I guess that explains why I
can't find my hearing-aid...!".

 

••

I just got unfollowed by a woman that just
started following me yesterday, so I guess
I just had my first one night stand on twitter.

 

••

[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put
these on... Superman?
her: I did.....

 

••

Three ways to tell if you're dating an Octopus:
 1. They give awesome hugs
 2. They have no skeleton
 3. Every date is at the aquarium 

 

•• 

"exorcise" and "exercise" sound alike because
they're both the work of the Devil...

 

••

If you watch thanksgiving backwards its about
a angry family yelling at each other then the
uncle says something racist and everyone
calms down....

••
Rather than Anti-psychotic drugs,
I prefer a more friendlier tone like
Pro-sanity pills.

 

••••

 

 

 

♥♥

 

••

♥

We're having the same thing this year for
Thanksgiving dinner as last year: relatives.

 

••

Who want's to put on bear costumes and go
with me to tear the shit out of the tents people
are camping in in front of Best Buy?

 

•• 

Scientists have grown human vocal chords
in a Petri dish.
The results speak for themselves.

 

•• 

I just bought a transparent megaphone.
Now everybody will be able to hear me loud
and clear.
 

••
In the stock market today:
Helium was up, feathers were down,
paper was stationary, Fluorescent lights were
down in light trading, knives were up sharply,
pencil were down a few points, elevators were
up and down, escalators experienced a slight
decline, mining equipment hit rock bottom,
the market for raisins dried up, vacuum
cleaners picked up, caravans were trailing,
socks were unchanged, balloon prices were
inflated, and the bottom fell out of disposable
diapers.

 

••

 Everyday I beat my own previous record for
number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

 

••

I don't get Roomba commercials.
Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the
 floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to
clean up...
 

••
The most important thing in a relationship is
trust.
If you don't trust your girlfriend, how do you
know she's not going to tell your wife?

 

••

Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in
this lake."
Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was
removing my clothes?"
Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."

 

••

A Muslim found the face of Allah,
in a tub of margarine.
His neighbor from Nepal saw it and said:
"I can't believe it's not Buddha."

 

••

The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill.
The wolf huffed and puffed and generated
enough power to last the whole winter.

 

••••

 

••

 

••

♥

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar…
so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing
happens.

 

••

 A Hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk
answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room
immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she
says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's
a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot.
The window won't open and that's a
maintenance matter."

 

••

Well it is winter here again in the North and
with its return are all the warnings about
black ice and how dangerous it can be.
Don't you think its time to stop the ice profiling?
All ice matters.

 

••

In culinary school, your dog eating your
homework is a pretty legitimate concern.

 

••

Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy's back, wiping off my Cheeto
fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y.....
Me: *walks away*

 

••

5-year-old: What are Nazis?
Me: Bad people who we killed a long,
long time ago..
5: Why were they bad?
Me: They kept correcting our grammar....

 

••

A person can learn a lot from a dog;
Obedience, loyalty and the importance of
turning around three times before lying down.
 

••
Hypnotists claim they can cure alcoholism
merely by implanting an idea in the drinker's
head.
It's a sobering thought.....

••
Apparently, occupants aren't 8 legged pants
for octopi...
 

••
The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda
Square, until Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked
one of the corners off. 

 

••••