••
♥
1.You've ever torn something just trying to turn
off the alarm clock.
2.People at work only refer to you by saying
"Hey fatso!"
3.You've thrown your back out by carrying a
bag of groceries.
4.Random strangers come up, poke you in the
stomach and expect you to giggle.
5.Your record is 34 Pushups and you could
have done more if the Ice Cream Man would
have taken plastic.
6.You get the Christmas gift of Jigglin' To The
Oldies.
7.You cramp up while watching the New York
City Marathon.
8.Watching Rocky 5 is your idea of a workout
video.
9.The sales clerk nicely but firmly pulls you
away from the jeans rack and whispers
"Its Sansabelt Time, Tubby"
••
I could get 90% off a Bugatti and I still wouldn't
be able to afford it.
••
I don't really like watching basketball,
I just watch it to find out who the next member of the Kardashian family will be.
••
Apply Where I Work...
Competitive Salary-Paying you less than our competitions.
Join our Fast Paced Team-
We expect you to know everything so we don’t
train you.
Casual Work Atmosphere-
We don’t pay you enough to dress you up.
Must be Deadline Oriented-
You are 6 months behind on your first day.
Duties Will Vary-
Anyone in the Office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail-
We have no quality control..
••
Last Thanksgiving, I had my chance to do the traditional thing of shooting my own turkey.
Man, you should have seen the people scatter
in the meat department.
••
When everyone at the table takes turns saying
what they are thankful for, say, I'm thankful I didn't get caught, and refuse to say anything
more.
••
Keep your eye off the turkey dressing.
It makes him blush!
••
His wife had been killed in an accident and the
police were questioning Finnegan. "Did she say anything before she died?"
asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty
years," said the Irishman.
••
Me: What are your plans for tonight?
13: Think I'll hang out with you and mom.Me: Goddammit...uh I mean that's great.
••••
