Down Hummingbird Lane

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♥

A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.
"How do they feel?" asks the salesclerk.
"Well, they feel a bit tight," replies the blonde.
The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the
shoes and the blonde’s feet. "Try pulling the tongue out,"
 offers the clerk.
“Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies.

 

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gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
 me: *presses yes*
 gas pump:
 me: *pressing harder* YES
 gas pump: lol nope....

 

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Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said
to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."
"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.
"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three
days old."
"Right again. But how'd you.....""And I'll bet it was done
by old Doc Steadman."
"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second
man in amazement.
"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle,"
explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."

 

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Undertaker: The last guy to let you down.

 

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"When I die, I want my tombstone to be a WiFi hotspot......
that way people visit more often."

 

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When someone asks if you lost weight, the correct response
is always, "no, it just seems like it to you because you got
fatter."

 

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I hate wearing glasses while I drive....
so I had the windshield ground to my prescription...

 

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Computer Definitions....
 1) 486 The average IQ needed to understand a PC.
 2) State-of-the-art Any computer you can't afford.
 3) Obsolete Any computer you own.
 4) Microsecond The time it takes for your state-of-the-art
computer to become obsolete.

 

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Respond to every "How was your weekend?"
today by staring off into the distance &
whispering "So much blood..."

 

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My online therapist says you can't live your life in fear....
He also sells shampoo.

 

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