#2750

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I guess he likes KFC chicken..

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My wife told me "Sex is better on holiday". 

That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

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Whenever I see a sign on the door that reads 

'fire exit' I think the guy who put it there mustn't 

know fires can't read.

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Religion as Baseball;

Calvinists believe the game is fixed.

Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.

Quakers won't swing.

Unitarians can catch anything.

Amish walk a lot.

Pagans sacrifice.

Jehovah's Witnesses are thrown out often.

Televangelists get caught stealing.

Episcopalians pass the plate.

Evangelicals make effective pitches.

Fundamentalists balk.

Adventists have a seventh-inning stretch.

Atheists refuse to have an Umpire.

Baptists want to play hardball.

The Pope claims never to have committed an error.

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Beauty comes in all shapes & sizes. 

Small, large, circle, square, thin crust, thick crust, 

stuffed crust, extra toppings.

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Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, 

but asked to be excused because she didn't 

believe in capital punishment and didn't want 

her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from 

running its proper course. 

But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness 

and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that 

she was appropriate to serve on the jury. 

"Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder 

trial! 

It's a simple civil lawsuit. 

A wife is bringing this case against her husband 

because he gambled away the $12,000 he had 

promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her 

birthday." 

"Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. 

I guess I could be wrong about capital 

punishment after all." 

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If I had known I was going to have this much 

sh*t to do at work today, I wouldn't have come 

in sober. 

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The hardest part about having an ugly child is 

lying to them when they ask you if you love them. 

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When I text you a whole paragraph and you text 

me back 40 minutes later saying "K." 

Are you asking to be punched?

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Dogs do their social networking on Assbook, 

via the World Wide Whiff. 

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I always go to the fattest kid at the concession

stand to buy popcorn at the movies because he 

knows how to butter it properly. 

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Q: What is a hooker in Alaska called?

A: A frostitute. 

Three dreams of a man: To be as handsome as his mother 

thinks. 

To be as rich as his child believes. 

To have as many women as his wife suspects...

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Ugly Dog...

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I was going through airport customs and they asked me, 

"Do you have any firearms?" 

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the answer they 

were looking for.

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If Plan A doesn't work, don't sweat it. 

There are 25 more letters in the alphabet. 

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A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to 

construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, 

defense.

 There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand 

and said he could make a sentence with them; 

"The cow jumped over defense and detail went 

over defeat."

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She wanted more communication and I wanted 

less. 

So we compromised and now we communicate 

more or less....

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The early bird gets the worm. 

But the rest of the birds can get McGriddles until 

10:30. 

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“Even the smallest egg farms are multi-layer organisations.”

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My doctor told me: 

"I can't do any thing for your illness, it's hereditary."

I told him to send the bill to my father.....

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You might be a redneck if...

You refer to the time you won a free case of oil 

as the "day my ship came in."

Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan. 

Your mother has been involved in a fist fight at 

a high school sports event.

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill. 

You own all the components of soap on a rope 

except the soap. 

The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em 

in the shade. 

You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen. 

The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights. 

Your brother-in-law is your uncle.

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A homeowner hears a knock at the door. 

 "Who's there" 

 "Atch" 

 "Atch Who?" 

 "God Bless You" 

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You know that tingly little feeling you get when 

you really like someone? 

That’s common sense leaving your body.

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Silly Goose...

I don't know...

I grew up eating these.....

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I don't know if laughter is the "best" medicine, 

but I do like that it doesn't have a $35 co-pay. 

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Senior's Texting Code for all my blogger Friends; 

BMH - Broke My Hip 

OMMR - On My Massage Recliner 

TOT - Texting on Toilet 

LOL - Little Old Lady 

LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out 

FWIW - Forgot Where I Was 

CBM - Covered By Medicare 

HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement 

WAITT - Who Am I Talking To 

BFF - Best Friends Funeral 

IMHO - Is My Hearing Aid On 

ROFLACGU - Rolling On The Floor Laughing, Can't Get Up 

TTML - Talk To Me Louder 

BTW - Bring The Wheelchair 

ATD - At The Doctors 

BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth 

WTFA - Wet the Furniture Again 

OMSG - Oh My, Sorry Gas 

GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low 

BFF - Best Friend Fell 

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“I started dating the girl across the street. 

I know what people say, but honestly, lawn 

distance relationships aren't that hard.”

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When they put "unknown" at the end of a quote, 

that means they probably don't know how to spell 

anonymous - 

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Just scrached my crotch while trying to 

swat a fly and four people told me I was a good 

dancer. 

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As I was going through my wallet, 

for a second I thought I got robbed... 

And then I remembered I got gas. 

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I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. 

That is 13,505 sit-ups. 

And not ONE ab to show for it.

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I just gave my secretary a baby shower. 

Well, a potential baby shower. 

If you know what I mean. 

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Tom had this problem of getting up late in the 

morning and was always late for work. 

His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire 

him if he didn't do something about it. 

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill 

and told him to take it before he went to bed. 

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the 

morning by almost two hours. 

He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully 

to work. 

"Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!" 

"That's all fine" said the boss, 

"But where were you yesterday?"

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Scientists have discovered that people will believe 

anything when you say "scientists have discovered 

that"... 

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Sometimes I think I should introduce myself 

to my neighbors just so they don't describe me to the 

police as "Quiet and keeps to himself." 

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My wife told me that obesity is in her genes. 

I told her that isn't true, she looks fat in a skirt as well....

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First the rebel flag, now it's packaging.... 

Some folks want cotton banned from the drug bottles..... 

Because they find it offensive to have to pick the cotton out.  

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Univision is canceling its telecast of the Miss USA pageant, 

an event owned by Donald Trump, to protest Trump’s 

offensive remarks about Mexicans. 

Trump said the next step is to build a wall around the pageant 

so Univision can’t get back in. 

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Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. 

I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the 

card was stolen...

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You know you are addicted to the Internet when:

Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you 

see a new WWW site address in print or on TV, 

even though you've never had heart problems before. 

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have 

moved and you don't have a clue when it happened. 

You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can 

hear if new e-mail arrives. 

Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind 

you of what she looks like. 

All of your friends have an @ in their names. 

When looking at a pageful of someone else's links, 

you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple. 

Your dog has its own home page. 

You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem. 

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“I visited an acupuncturist today. 

I was done in under an hour, he was quick and to the point.”

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Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had 

received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family 

on their way to church. 

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, 

observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with 

their mothers and fathers." 

"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, 

"So why is their dad carrying that rifle?" 

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My daughter may only be one year old today, 

but she retrieves beer from the fridge at a fourth 

grade level. 

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British researchers have discovered around

8 million mummified animals, mostly dogs, in an ancient

Egyptian  burial ground. 

To see anything like that outside of Egypt, you’d have to travel 

all the way to Michael Vick’s backyard. 

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 Why would America make the bald eagle its 

national bird when all they do is attack things 

and fly away and never mind I think I get it now.

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Aw, crap, I just ate a silica gel pack. 

Why didn't I take seriously the "Do Not Eat" 

warning on it?  

It just looked so delicious. 

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The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments 

posted in a courthouse is this: 

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not 

Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building 

full of lawyers, judges and politicians...

It creates a hostile work environment.

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What's another term for... 

a camper zipped up in a sleeping bag? 

A ZOMBIE BURRITO!!! 

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Q: Why are there no televisions in Afghanistan? 

A: Because of the Telly-ban!

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Stone Mountain officials in Georgia just announced they 

passed an order to change the Confederate Memorial carving 

of Robert E Lee, Stonewall Jackson, and Jefferson Davis to 

Kim, Khloe, and Kourtney Kardashian. 

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Following the leak of of Kim Kardashian's 

nude pics, her personal assistant has been sacked 

for the delay.

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I just gave my wife a last minute gift for her birthday. 

I put the toilet seat down. 

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Preventing childhood obesity 

is as easy as taking candy from a baby. 

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I met a one-legged woman outside of a club the 

other day. 

She was a bouncer. 

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I've been feeling down for so long that I finally 

decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts 

then waited for the profound wisdom of the 

psychiatrist to make me feel better.

 The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took 

some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few 

minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

 Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of 

delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your 

problem is low self-esteem. 

It is very common among losers."

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Motels 1 through 5 must've really been dumps.

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Seems like most rioting in the world happens in 

countries with the least bacon.

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