••
♥
My wife told me that obesity is in her genes.
I told her that isn't true, she looks fat in a skirt as well....
••
First the rebel flag, now it's packaging....
Some folks want cotton banned from the drug bottles.....
Because they find it offensive to have to pick the cotton out.
••
Univision is canceling its telecast of the Miss USA pageant,
an event owned by Donald Trump, to protest Trump’s
offensive remarks about Mexicans.
Trump said the next step is to build a wall around the pageant
so Univision can’t get back in.
••
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today.
I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the
card was stolen...
••
You know you are addicted to the Internet when:
Your heart races faster and beats irregularly each time you
see a new WWW site address in print or on TV,
even though you've never had heart problems before.
You step out of your room and realize that your parents have
moved and you don't have a clue when it happened.
You turn on your intercom when leaving the room so you can
hear if new e-mail arrives.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind
you of what she looks like.
All of your friends have an @ in their names.
When looking at a pageful of someone else's links,
you notice all of them are already highlighted in purple.
Your dog has its own home page.
You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.
••
“I visited an acupuncturist today.
I was done in under an hour, he was quick and to the point.”
••
Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had
received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family
on their way to church.
Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren,
observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with
their mothers and fathers."
"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied,
"So why is their dad carrying that rifle?"
••
My daughter may only be one year old today,
but she retrieves beer from the fridge at a fourth
grade level.
••
British researchers have discovered around
8 million mummified animals, mostly dogs, in an ancient
Egyptian burial ground.
To see anything like that outside of Egypt, you’d have to travel
all the way to Michael Vick’s backyard.
••
Why would America make the bald eagle its
national bird when all they do is attack things
and fly away and never mind I think I get it now.
••
Aw, crap, I just ate a silica gel pack.
Why didn't I take seriously the "Do Not Eat"
warning on it?
It just looked so delicious.
••••
