••
♥
"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat
what you like and let the food fight it out inside."
-- Mark Twain
••
Vodka makes me rich, tough, and good looking
all in one operation.
The next morning my wife makes me feel broke,
ugly, and a coward all in one operation.
••
Stop bragging about your 10,000 lakes,
Minnesota.....
You don't hear Iowa going on and on about its
12,000 smells.
••
An urgent call was put in for a plumber at noon
but he didn’t arrive until 5 hours later.
“How is it? ” he asked entering the house.
“Not so bad, ” replied the home owner.
“While we were waiting for you to arrive I taught
my wife how to swim. ”
••
If it's yellow, let it mellow,
if it's brown, flush it down.
That leaves a wide range of colors I have no
idea what to do with.
••
A man walks into a bar, he sees two pieces of
meat hanging from the ceiling.
He asks the barman, "Why are those two pieces
of meat hanging from the ceiling?"
The barman replies, "It's a competition which
we run every night.
If you can jump up and touch the meat, you get
free drinks for the whole night."
"Great!" says the man, "but what if I can't reach
them?"
"Then you have to buy all the drinks for
everyone all night," the barman answers.
"Do you want to try?"
"No, but thanks anyway."
"Why not?", asks the barman.
"The steaks are too high."
••
Whenever I'm down in the dumps, I cheer myself
up by getting new clothes.
They smell a little bit, but at least they're free.
••
I always hold the door for ladies, but they
never seem to get in my van when I do that.
••
I'm not saying she's easy, but if she advertised
on TV, they'd call it a nymphomercial.
••
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a
restaurant in London.
The waiter tells them, "Excuse me -- if you were
going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a
shortage due to the mad cow disease."
The Texan says, "What's a shortage?"
The Russian says, "What's a steak?"
The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
••
I don't know what "swag" is, but I was just told
Justin Bieber & Lil Wayne both claim to have it.
So, I'm assuming it's not talent.
••
My wife is on that new coconut and banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her
climb a tree!
••
I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today
so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the
coffin in half.
••
Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking.
One of the lawyers names was Thomas Strange.
After a while their conversation became rather
morbid, and they started to started to talk about
what they were going to have on their tomb
stones.
Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his
name put on his tomb stone, instead he was
going have "Here lies the body of an honest
lawyer!!!"
"Why are you going to have that?"
asked his friend.
"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking
through the cemetery, and they see...
Here lies the body of an honest lawyer.
They will say "Oh...That's Strange".
••
It's rather pathetic that the only thing that
consistently works on my car is the
Check Engine light.
••••
