••
♥
"Nothing is more conducive to peace of mind
than not having any opinions at all."
••
What do you tell the doctor
when he askes if you have any allergies.
Yeah! Needles and finger up my butt!!!
••
Rooty tooty in the streets, fresh and fruity in the
sheets.
••
Husband: Sex cures headaches.
Wife: Advil lasts longer.
••
A blonde and brunette are living together.
The brunette came home from work one day and
the blonde had a rope around her waist.
The brunette asked why she had a rope tied
around her waist.
The blonde answered that she was trying to
commit suicide.
The brunette said, "You're supposed to put the
rope around your neck."
The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't
breathe!"
••
Sometimes I do get carried away…
that's because I refuse to leave after last call.
••
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I'd rather see snow.
••
Gus was watching TV as his wife was out cutting
the grass during the hot summer.
He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask
his wife what was for supper.
Well, his missus was quite irritated about him
sitting in the air conditioned house all day while
she did all the work, so she scolded him.
"I can't believe you're asking me about supper
right now!
Imagine I'm out of town, go inside and figure
dinner out yourself."
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a
big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall
glass of iced tea.
The wife finally walked in about the time he was
finishing up and asked him, "You fixed something
to eat?
So where is mine?"
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
••
Marriage is a relationship in which one person
is always right, and the other is a husband.
••
In an American history discussion group, the
professor was trying to explain how societies
ideal of beauty changes with time.
"For example, he said, "take the 1921 Miss
America.
She stood five feet, one inch tall, weighed 108
pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32.
How do you think she'd do in today's version of
the contest?"
The class fell silent for a moment.
Then one student piped up, "Not very well."
"Why is that?" Asked the professor.
"For one thing," the student pointed out,
"She'd be about a hundred years old."
••
I'm old enough to remember being the tv remote..
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