••
♥
Just remember, if you want to survive an attack
by 10 guys shooting at you with AK47's, always
run in the opposite direction, duck your head
and run in a zig zag motion and not one of the
hundred bullets will hit you.
Well, it works in the movies at least.
••
They say there's no place like home...
well I went next door and it's very similar.
••
I am so sorry to hear about your grandma...
I know what you're going through.
My phone dies all the time.
••
I overdosed on Viagra once.
It was the hardest day of my life.
••
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I
gave her dessert.
She's now passed out on the kitchen floor.
I don't negotiate with terrorists.
••
Ever notice how you feel a whole lot more
attractive at Walmart than you do at the gym?
••
Accidentally walked into the women's
bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down
so it wouldn't be awkward for anyone.
••
Cheating is such an ugly way to put it.
I like to think of it as outsourcing my sex life.
••
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare
toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask
them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
••
I forgot my phone so I asked this guy what time
it was.
He said "time to get a watch" & laughed.
So I kicked him in the balls..... It was 6:30.
••
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're
really smart give her an onion ring that way if
she says no you still have a snack.
••
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive
to work is that you end up at work.
••••
