••
♥
"In the beginning the Universe was created.
This has made a lot of people very angry and has
been widely regarded as a bad move."
-- Douglas Adams
••
If your front door has a mail slot, then you live
in a mailbox.
••
My wife is going out trick or treating this year
wearing nothing but cowboy boots.
She is going as Puss N Boots.
This year I am going out trick or treating wearing
nothing except roller skates.
I am going as a pull toy.
••
A boy scout helped a nun who'd fallen into a
mud puddle. thinking this "good deed" might
earn him a merit badge he bragged to his scout
leader,,,who said...."why the hell would you think
you'd get a badge for picking up a dirty habbit?"
••
You might be a redneck if...
Your momma calls you over to help, cause she
has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids your kitchen.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for
change so you can get Grandma a new plug of
tobacco.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because
there is a law against it.
You celebrate Groundhog Day because you
believe in it.
Your kid takes a siphon hose to show-and-tell.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing
the sound of a tornado.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch
something.
••
I have a chest cold, or, as they used to call it
in the 17th Century, four days to live.
••
When I see people running to catch the elevator
I'm on, I yell "HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL
THIS!".
••
A customer walks into a restaurant and notices
a large sign on the wall, "
$500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER!"
When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant
tail on rye.
She calmly writes down his order and walks into
the kitchen where all hell breaks loose!
The restaurant owner comes storming out of the
kitchen.
He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five
$100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that
time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first
time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"
••
First boy: She had a beautiful pair of eyes,
her skin had the glow of a peach,
her cheeks were like apples and her lips like
cherries – that’s my girl.
Second boy: Sounds like a fruit salad to me.
••
Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned
to an attendant standing nearby.
"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those
hideous representations you call modern art?"
"No, Madam," replied the attendant.
"That one's called a mirror."
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