••
♥
Auctioneers are proof that white guys could rap
if they try hard enough.
••
Daughter: Mommy, what's it like to have the most
awesome daughter in the world ?
Mother: I don't know, ask your grandmother.
••
I thought I was watching The Walking Dead
on channel five last night, then I realized it was
just the Rolling Stones in concert..
••
A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned
farm with plans to turn it into a thriving
enterprise.
The fields are grown over with weeds, the
farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are
collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher
stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May
you and God work together to make this the farm
of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again
to call on the farmer.
Lo and behold, it's like a completely different
place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and
in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle
and other livestock happily munching on feed in
well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with
crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says.
"Look what God and you have accomplished
together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember
what the farm was like when God was working it
alone!"
••
Whoever said nothing is impossible is a liar.
I've been doing nothing for years.
••
I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. --
not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop.
And I'm in my car, and he gets out --
he's sweating, he's got these little shorts on.
You know how fast you were going?
Yeah, a lot faster than that bike.
••
I hate to brag, but several ladies just asked me
if I wanted a date.
On multiple street corners.
••
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
"my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I
was walking"
••
Hey, I'm not saying Hitler was a great guy,
but he really saved the Histoy channel..
••
Why do women always say they want a man with
a stable job?
What’s so glamorous about cleaning up after
horses?
••
News headlines.......
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing.
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies.
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing.
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire.
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide..
Air Head Fired.
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge..
••
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't
need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle."
-- Henny Youngman
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