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I know a really good Ebola joke
but YOU WON'T GET IT............
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Went to the Doctor yesterday and he told me
"Not to worry about old age; it doesn't last that
long."
He also said to enjoy my Golden Years.
Heck, the only thing I see Golden about them
is my urine.
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If you want something you will find a way.
If you don't, you'll find an excuse.
••
Ted Nugent, rock star and avid bow hunter from
Michigan, was being interviewed by a liberal
journalist who is also an animal rights activist.
The discussion came around to deer hunting.
The journalist asked, "What do you think is the
last thought in the head of a deer before you
shoot him?
Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one
who killed my brother?'"
Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind
of thinking.
All they care about is what am I going to eat next,
who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast
enough to get away.
They are very much like the Democrats in
Congress."
The interview ended.....
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Don't tell me there's no inflation!
My offers from Nigerian princes and finders of
Saddam's hidden cache of cash have gone from
11 million dollars to a current offer of over 55
million.
Even the scam artists know a dollar isn't what it
used to be.
Do any of you want their contact information?
I'm holding out for more.
••
She hurried to the pharmacy to get medication,
got back to her car, and found that she had locked
her keys inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger left
on the ground.
She looked at it and said, "I don't know how to
use this."
She bowed her head and asked God to send her
some HELP.
Within 5 minutes, a beat up old motorcycle pulled
up driven by a bearded man who was wearing an
old biker skull rag.
He got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, "Yes, my daughter is sick.
I've locked my keys in my car.
I must get home.
Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"
He said, "Sure."
He walked over to the car; and in less than a
minute, the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said,
"Thank you so much!
You are a very nice man."
The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man.
I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison
for car theft."
The woman hugged the man again sobbing,
"Oh, thank you, God!.....
You even sent me a Professional!"
••
Theres no razor in candy.
If for no other reason, it doesnt make financial
sense.
Its not fiscally prudent.
How much does a piece of candy cost -- like, a
penny and a half?
An apples like 15 cents?
Anybody here bought a Mach 3 replacement
cartridge recently?
They're so expensive, they don't even keep them
on the shelf.
You know, you have to ask the people behind the
counter.
I feel like Im trying to buy enriched plutonium
or something.
••
I had a blind date with a girl that had hair
down to her buttox.
Trouble is it all came from her arm pits.
Please, NO more blind dates.
••
Police officers are really sore losers when you
race them.
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