I had to look twice on this one....
••
♥
"He who hesitates is not only lost,
but miles from the next exit."
••
As I get older my tastes are changing.
For instance, I used to not like brussels sprouts,
but now I don't like people.
••
"The Jewish people have observed their 5758th
year as a people," the Hebrew teacher informed
his class.
"Consider that the Chinese have observed only
their 4695th.
What does this mean to you?"
After a reflective pause, one student volunteered,
"Well, for one thing, the Jewish people had to do
without Chinese food for 1063 years."
••
BREAKING NEWS: Wikileaks founder
Julian Assange to release detailed document on
what Willis was talking about.
••
Gotta get me one of those iPhone-credit-card
holders so I can lose everything at once and be
totally completely screwed forever.
••
"I’m happy that it's short, the ladies seem to
like it that way."
me to my barber ....
••
Ted, the supervisor of a huge, snooty
apartment building got the ultimate revenge
when he was called for the umpteenth time to
fix a tenant's clogged toilet.
Going to her apartment, where the tenant,
Mrs. Gibson, happened to be giving a fancy
dinner party for other tenants in the building.
Ted had to endure her telling all the assembled
guests that he was a complete incompetent
idiot.
Furthermore, she got them all to go to the
bathroom door to watch his clumsiness.
He didn't say anything, but merely concentrated
on fixing the toilet, while she kept on
complaining about the bad service.
So busy was she complaining, that no one
noticed when Ted reached quietly into his tool
bag.
A minute later, he held something up
triumphantly and told her and the assembled
guests, "I've found what was clogging your
toilet!"
All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and
the woman turned a, bright beet red.
The super was holding up a large yellow
banana with a red condom wrapped around it.
The woman never complained again.
••
Had my son's hearing tested because he's always
yelling.
Turns out he's just an a**hole.
••
When I get a headache....
I take two aspirin and keep away from children
just like the bottle says.
••
One day, someone will call me sir without adding
"I think we're going to have to ask you to leave."
••
A three-year-old went with his dad to see a
litter of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed
his mother there were two boy kittens and two
girl kittens.
"How did you know?" his mother asked.
"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,"
he replied.
"I think it was printed on the bottom."
••••
