OMG.....
••
♥
"The United States is a nation of laws:
badly written and randomly enforced."
-- Frank Zappa
••
Flex, tired of being ridiculed by his peers, decides
to learn how to play some "real" musical
instruments.
He goes to a music store, walks in, approaches
the store clerk, and says, "I'll take that red
trumpet over there and that accordion."
The store clerk looks at him a bit funny, and
replies "OK, you can have the fire extinguisher
but the radiator's got to stay".
••
Saying "Ebola" on a plane is the new equivalent
to saying "bomb".....
••
"You aren't pretty enough to be this stupid"
my friend from Texas loves saying this one with
her accent and usually starts it with "Oh, honey...".
It actually sounds like she's being nice.
••
Look iPhone, if I wanted to be constantly
corrected today, I would have stayed home
with my wife.
••
You never really learn to swear until you learn
to drive.
••
Research shows that the golden fish is...
able to live in a small spherical aquarium,
because it is extremely stupid, by the time it has
done a full circle, it has forgotten everything
and starts circling again and again, and again...
Now I see why rednecks love nascar.
••
Life is all about perspective.
The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the
lobsters in the ship's kitchen.
••
I like taking my cats out for a drive to show
them roadkill so they know what will happen if
they ever leave me.
••
Nurse to Engineer: Breathe deeply in and slowly
exhale, do it 3 times.
Engineer: ok.
Nurse: What do u feel now….??
Engineer: Your BODY SPRAY is simply
awesome babe…
••
A Man Was Watching A Movie At Home And
Suddenly Shouts “Nooooooooooooo!”
Don’t!!!!!!
Get Off The Horse! Its A Trap!!
Wife: What Are You Watching?
Man: Our Wedding DVD…
••
Revenge is a dish best served with anchovies.
Seriously, it hides the taste of cyanide.
♦♦♦♦
