••
♥
"The real art of conversation is not only to say
the right thing at the right place but to leave
unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment."
-- Dorothy Nevill
••
Does the policy of no boots on the ground mean
our soldiers will be going barefoot now?
2 words
Combat Slippers...
••
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn
out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland
singing "Stay With Me" into a megaphone.
••
A couple hired a new chauffeur.
The wife asked him to take her out for shopping
and was very shaken by the experience.
Back home, she pleaded with her husband,
"Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur
at once.
He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this
morning."
"Darling, don't be so hasty," replied the husband,
"give him another chance."
••
Most people believe that if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke,
it doesn't have enough features yet.
••
So if you want to be sure your internet history
is deleted, just whisper 'please delete my internet
history' into any hole on the computer..
••
Why are my arms so weak?
Its like I did that push up last year for nothing.
••
16 year olds can vote in Scotland.
That's ok because they've been drinking since
they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
••
One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on
a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck
on the horizon.
He thought to himself, “It’s certainly not a ship”
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to
rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a
raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad
in a black wet suit.
Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and
zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said
to him, “Tell me, how long has it been since
you’ve had a good cigar?”
“Ten years,” replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a
waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet
suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and
a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag.
“Sweet Jumpin' Jesus,” said the castaway,
“that is so good! I’d almost forgotten
how great a smoke can be!”
“And how long has it been since you’ve had a
drop of good Jameson's Irish Whiskey?” asked
the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, “Ten years.”
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right
sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a
flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink..
‘Tis nectar of the gods!” shouted the Irishman. ”
‘Tis truly fantastic!!!”
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly
unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down
the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked,
“And how long has it been since you played
around?”
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his
knees and sobbed, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph!
Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there too!”
••
Dr. Seuss would’ve been fun to watch
in a rap battle.
••
The people criticizing the president for golfing
are still just pissed off about losing their homes
and jobs and savings and privacy and...
••••
