••
"A person is always startled when he hears
himself seriously called an old man for the first
time."
••
Maurice started his very own business, which
almost immediately began to prosper.
He was soon a very rich man.
One day, his bank manager rang him and said,
“Maurice, I have a query on one of your recent
checks.
Could you confirm it is one of yours?
For years, you've been signing all checks with
two X’s but this one is signed with three X’s.
Is it yours?”
Maurice replied, “Yes, it is.
Since I've become so wealthy, my wife thought I
ought to have a middle name.”
••
"To err is human; to forgive, infrequent."
-- Franklin P. Adams
••
First the doctor told me the good news:
I'm going to have a new disease named after me!
••
The first time I see a jogger smiling...
...I’ll consider it. —Joan Rivers
••
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and
singing and put it on social media if you needed
to know how important birth control is today.
••
"A marriage is always made up of two people
who are prepared to swear that only the other
one snores."
••
"It's not you, it's me."
Identical twins arguing over a photo.
••
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her
friend is sleeping here tonight, so as an optimist
our bed now has 3 pillows.
••
If school taught me to say no to fast food
instead of drugs i'd be high as shit but not really
fat...
••
A wise man once said...
absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then was able to have sex
afterward.
••
FEEDBACK: the inevitable result when the baby
doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
••••
