••
♥
If Scotland declares independence and there's a
draft, the people will all show up with empty
pint glasses.
••
Today I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to
random Nigerians letting them know they've won
the Canadian lottery.
••
How to enjoy babies:
1) Hold them.
2) Kiss them.
3) Hand them back to their mom.
4) Go have drinks with grown ups.
5) Laugh about not having a baby...
••
Some people say America is obese,
but I blame our flag.
Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make
you look fatter.
••
We have women in the military, but they don’t
put them in the front lines.
They don’t know if they can fight, if we can kill.
I think they can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the
women and say, ‘You see the enemy over there?
They say you look fat in those uniforms.’
••
"Robin, I don't care how much you love that show.
We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars."
- Batman.
••
When people tell me...
"You're going to regret that in the morning",
I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver...
••
What is faster than a thief running with a color TV?
His brother with the VCR.
••
Relationship status: I shout "PIZZA'S HERE" so
the delivery guy doesn't think I'm eating two
pizzas by myself.
••
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring,
6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once.
Ask her.
••
The Pentagon once did a study on why so many
American Servicemen marry women in the
countries where they’re stationed.
Contrary to popular belief, loneliness had nothing
to do with it.
Once the men rotated back to the US, all their
in-laws were thousands of miles away.
••••
