••
♥
Buy your kids a tortoise.
Then when you're elderly,
they'll already have 40 years' experience feeding
& loving something that barely moves.
••
As George Carlin once pointed out, getting a new
dog that looks as much as possible like your old
dog is practical, that way you don't have to go to
the trouble of changing all of the pictures in your
house.
••
My friend's dog died the other day so I surprised
her by going out and getting her an identical dog.
She was furious, she said "what am I supposed to
do with two dead dogs?"
••
"Art is making something out of nothing and
selling it."
-- Frank Zappa
••
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would
appear to be gang related.
••
How did we go from crappy gas station coffee to
"Yes I'll pay $7 for you to put that in a cup for me"?
••
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians...
[walking] Goddamn drivers....
[both] Goddamn cyclists....
••
Teenage daughter called me an old fart.
We both laughed and then I changed the
password to our wifi.
••
John is being shown around the office by his new
boss.
They enter the IT department and John sees a
man using two keyboards at once.
"That's incredible", says John.
"Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once".
"Hey!" replied his boss...... "That's stereotyping. "
••
GRANDPARENTS: the people who think your
children are wonderful even though they're sure
you're not raising them right.
••
The women at the club tonight are so
unapproachable.
Getting discouraged.
Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what
a super guy I am.
••
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can
help boost a person's confidence, but nobody in
this park seems to appreciate it.
••
The cheetah is the fastest land mammal right
after a politician backpedaling about an opinion
he didn't want the public to know about.
••••
