••
♥
Me and the wife had a big fight, she told me to
leave the house.
To spite her I went upstairs and packed my bags.
As I was walking down the stairs, a suitcase in
each hand, I see she's waiting for me at the foot
of the stairs.
When we're at eye level, she says to me.
'I hope you die a slow and painful death.
Looking into her eyes, I reply, "So, now you want
me to stay?'
••
Just asked Siri.
"Surely it's not going to rain today?"
She said "it will, and don't call me Shirley"
...Forgot to take my phone off airplane mode.
••
"Someday I want to be rich.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for
humanity.
That's how rich I want to be."
-- Rita Rudner
••
Why is it hard to work at an apple pie factory?
They have such a high turnover rate.
••
I can't understand how none of the Muslim
countries are competing in the Olympic curling,
I hear they are pretty good at throwing stones...
••
What do you do when a Ph.D. in philosophy
comes to your door?
Give him the money and take the pizza.
••
My boss told me to "dress for the job you want,
not the job you have."
Now I'm in a disciplinary meeting dressed as
Batman.
••
This one day while at work Bill sees Gus standing
at the outhouse digging around with a stick trying
to fish something out..
Bill; What the hell are you doing?
Gus: I dropped my jacket down in the shitter!
Bill: your'e not gonna wear that damn thing
again are you?
Gus: HELL NO, just gonna get my sandwich out
of the pocket!
••
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his
opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected,
"Now that both attorneys have been identified for
the record, let's get on with the case."
••
Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints
down at the local bar, when one said to the other:
"If I ask you a question, will you promise to
answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."
"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all
the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"
"It's probably because of her speech impediment,"
replied the second guy.
"What do you mean her speech impediment?"
inquired the first fellow.
"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"
"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only
guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"
••
The sailor came home from a secret two year
mission only to find his wife with a new born
baby.
Furious, he was determined to track down the
father to extract revenge.
"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.
"No !" his weeping wife replied.
"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.
"NO !!!" she said even more upset.
"Well which one of my no good friends did this
then?" he asked.
"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?"
she snapped.
••
What did the blonde say when she saw the sign
in front of the YMCA?
'Look! They spelled Macy's wrong.'
••
