••
♥
"I think Superman should go on the Larry King
show and announce that he would come back to
life if people in all 50 states wanted him to."
-- Dave Barry
••
Yelling "shotgun" when getting in a car means
a seat in the front.
Yelling it before getting on a plane means a seat
in the TSA office.
••
Good call, inventor of glass tables.
There's nothing more appetizing than realizing
Aunt Mildred doesn't wear panties while I'm
trying to eat.
••
I must be ill - I thought I saw a sausage fly
past my window, but it was actually a seabird.
I think I've taken a tern for the wurst.
••
"Based on a true story" means it happened
more or less like this, but with ugly people.
••
"I have a rock garden.
Last week three of them died."
••
"Reminds me of my safari in Africa.
Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several
days we had to live on nothing but food and water."
-- W. C. Fields
••
Q- You know why women love shoes?
A- Because no matter how much & whatever
they eat , the shoes always fit..
••
There are 3 kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
Rest get married and wonder what happened....
••
Her "How long before I am able to have a normal
normal sex life again doctor?"
Dr.: "No one has ever asked me that after having
their tonsils out."
••
I always draw track marks on my arms and cough a
lot when visiting family so that no one asks me to
hold their baby or help prepare food.
••
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did,
she began running so I did, she screamed so I did.
I never even saw what we were running from.
••••
