••
♥
Did you know Gus gets the group rate for
his weekly psychiatrist visits?
Yeah, he gets that multiple personality discount....
••
If my wife comes to bed nude it's ON, but when
it's me at the end of the bed naked she's all
"what are you doin, we're at Mattress City."
••
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty.
Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and
woke up 6 hours late for my shift.
••
Three women who worked together went out to
lunch one day – Kimberly, Meg, and Sylvia.
Kimberly had a boyfriend, Meg was engaged, and
Sylvia had been married to her husband Samuel
for 20+ years.
They began chatting about their relationships and
decided to see what would happen if they
surprised their men by greeting them at the door
wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over
their eyes.
That night, Kimberly met her boyfriend at his
office wearing a raincoat, the black bra, black
stiletto heels and a black mask over her eyes.
When she opened the raincoat, he didn't say a
word.
His eyes just nearly popped out of his head.
Then they went back to his apartment and made
love all night.
Meg greeted her fiance after work dressed in a
black leather bodice, black stilettos and a mask.
“You are the woman of my dreams,” he told her.
“You are so hot!”
Then they too made passionate love all night.
As for Sylvia, she awaited her husband that night
also wearing a black bra, black stockings, black
stilettos and a black mask over her eyes.
When he came through the door and saw her,
he took off his coat, sat down at the dining room
table and said,..... "What's for dinner, Zorro?"
••
"A little nonsense now and then, is relished by the
wisest men."
••
I'm sorry" and "my bad" mean the same thing...
unless you're at a funeral.
••
I'll call it a "smart" phone the day I yell,
"where's my freaking phone?!" and it answers,
"I'm here, under your jacket."
••
My local radio station is asking people to send
in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I've sent in my wedding album.
••
Just bought a medical alert bracelet that says
"probably just shitfaced."
••
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
"I'll take the guy with the glasses, you take the
guy dressed as a ninja."
••
There's no way witnessing the birth of your
child is better than seeing your luggage come out
first on the baggage carousel.
••••
